An experience I had this week dealing with a tech company reminded me how easy it is for other people’s agenda to suck your time and energy.

I won’t bore you with the details. It involved an internet provider, a modem, cell phones, an app that didn’t work, IA which was absolutely worthless, and a tech person who helped me solve a problem (which was only a problem of their making, not mine, but which I needed them to fix), who then suddenly transformed, in the blink of an eye, into a salesman trying to sell me a new phone and service. (Do these corporations train ALL their staff to lure you into their “special deals, only available through me, RIGHT NOW”?)

It took an hour and a half, half of the time taken with the techie-turned-salesman trying to sell me on the deal. It will take me more time to drive to the store to return the unwanted equipment.

Their offer sounded good, but I knew it would involve even more time dealing with unexpected wrinkles and hassles that, despite their promises of a seamless transition, would inevitably surface.

These days, I value peace more than saving money. The experience is just one of the kind of hassles all of us deal with, often, at least with me, on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. Such is life in a technological world, where corporations rule and the increasing use of AI is squeezing out our humanity.

I resist all this, very consciously, but sometimes it feels like a losing battle. How do you navigate the modern world with its insistence that you use their app to do business with them, when the app doesn’t work unless you spend a couple of grand to upgrade your phone so you can run the app? I personally don’t like to use my phone for online things; the screen is too small, my fingers too fat or something.

What I realized with today’s experience was that I need to fiercely guard my energy, and not get sucked into being nice. For example, after my 90-minute time suck that got me nowhere, I got a text message asking me to rate the call. I wanted to help the techie who did in fact help me (though I shouldn’t have needed the help in the first place), but I didn’t want to give this whole thing any more of my precious time and energy. So I tamped down the temptation to be “nice” (probably to a chatbot), and turned my attention elsewhere.

On balance, I want to report something very uplifting. I recently visited my local public library, and they turned me on to Libby, the library app through which one can borrow books, even audio books. The librarian told me how to use the app. As usual, the best way to do it is through the app on the phone. “The computer often is glitchy.” Glitchy it was, so I sighed and went with the app, which did work.

I put a hold on a fiction audiobook I’ve been wanting to reread. I was #16 on the hold list. How long will it take for me to get that book? I wondered.

Somehow, two days later, I got a notice saying the audiobook was in. I called the librarian about something else, and mentioned how surprised I was to get the book so soon. She said, “I saw that you wanted it, so I ordered it for you.”

Ah, kindness and humanity still exist, at least in little Midwestern towns like mine. I’ll take it!

As much as possible, I want to also give it. I hope to God kindness and goodness will never be eclipsed by the impersonal nature of technology. As much as possible, I hope to combat it by being as kind as I can be.

To humans, that is. The chatbots I’ll give the cold shoulder to. Because no matter how human they may seem (and they are terribly polite), they are not human, and I owe them nothing. Combined with human intelligence and kindness, technology can be wonderful, as with the librarian and the Libby app.

But chatbots alone, and the companies that rely solely on them, are energy vampires in disguise. Let’s not be fooled.

If this resonates, you might also be interested in reading Part Five of my Hidden Stressors blog series and/or “What is Goovil to You?”, both of which discuss technology and how to tame it.

Dr. Aimie Apigian is an M.D. and a trauma expert. In her new and highly recommended book, The Biology of Trauma: How the Body Holds Fear, Pain, and Overwhelm, and How to Heal It, she talks about how trauma is not an event, but the body’s reaction to something that at one point overwhelmed the nervous system, and triggered a trauma response: either fight or flight, freeze, or fawn.

If the trauma response was not properly dispersed at the time, it can get stored in the nervous system. Then whenever some event similar to the first trauma occurs, the body/brain may have the same trauma response.

No doubt you’ve experienced this yourself. Did you ever “fly off the handle” over some little thing and wonder what on earth set you off? You got dysregulated. At that moment, the demand on your nervous system, possibly triggered by some unconscious unhealed “heart issue,” exceeded your capacity.

Dr. Apigian points out the demand can be great or small. But any time demand exceeds the system’s capacity to deal with it, a trauma response occurs.

The original trauma may not seem like a trauma to an outsider, or to the adult person, but that does not matter. This explains why someone can feel like they did not have trauma in their background, when really they did. And it explains why one can be “triggered” easily whenever their capacity is low, even if the demand is not very great.

Dr. Elizabeth Stanley talks similarly about the “window of tolerance” in her book, Widen the Window: Training Your Brain and Body to Thrive During Stress and Recover from Trauma. A person with a wide window is more easily able to function effectively during stressful and challenging events, as well as recover afterwards. They will be more resilient and flexible, tolerant of uncertainty, comfortable with curve-balls and change, and they can stay socially connected during stress.

Someone with a narrow window of tolerance will be easily anxious, irritated, or overwhelmed; less resilient, more distracted; their decisions are more likely to be impulsive or reactive; and they will likely have more interpersonal challenges.

Additionally, those with a “highly sensitive” nervous system will inherently experience more demands because their nervous system takes in more information, and processes it all more deeply—all of which are demands on the nervous system.

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