Ambiguous Losses

I have been introduced recently to the concept of ambiguous loss—the kind of loss and grief experienced when someone is there andnot there.

They may be there physically, as in a loved one who has dementia, yet not there emotionally, mentally, psychologically.

Ambiguous loss may also be experienced when, for instance, a child is estranged from a parent (or vice versa). They’re still your child, yet the relationship is severed, so they’re not relationally your child (or parent) any longer.

Or what about an addict, or someone who is mentally ill, who is still there physically and perhaps relationally, but not the same person, not the same relationship?

In all these cases, there is a loss, but it’s not recognized by outsiders, perhaps not even by yourself, so the confusing emotions, grief, and stress plague you—a heart issue without a name.

Now I’ve named it, with thanks for Dr. Pauline Boss, who coined the term ambiguous loss back in the 1970s, and those who have taken up her mantle to inform others about this common experience that has largely been ignored.

Dr. Pauline Boss also perceptively named the collective experience of the pandemic as a time of ambiguous loss. I have been aware, from myself, my friends and my clients, that the pandemic was a trauma that has not been addressed, but I had trouble putting my finger on exactly what the trauma was. In her book, The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change, Dr. Boss provides context and a healthy way of thinking and processing the pandemic or other ambiguous loss.

If you resonate with any of this, I have some resources for you:

• books by Dr. Pauline Boss: Ambiguous Loss, Loving Someone Who Has Dementia: How to Find Hope While Coping with Stress and Grief, and The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change
• interviews with Dr. Pauline Boss on YouTube: https://youtu.be/W6MvXxAU4dA?si=h8-nxVMjnrjt7Evq; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OP5HvnLg3ME
• other YouTube videos on ambiguous loss: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7-49yr1zWE&t=20s; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FI0w9n4hZfU&t=5s

The path to resilience when dealing with ambiguous loss, Dr. Boss says, is to adopt both/and thinking.

“When someone you love is here, and then gone, his or her presence has two meanings,” she writes in Loving Someone Who Has Dementia. “Not knowing which of the two is real, you may feel distressed and anxious. Try accepting that both perceptions are true.

You need to be able to think dualistically. You can practice by telling yourself things like:

• My loved one is both gone and still here.
• I can take care of both him and myself.
• I am both a caregiver and a person with my own needs.
• I can do both caregiving and connecting with others.
• I am both sad about my lost hopes and dreams and happy about some new hopes and dreams.
• I am both frustrated about my current situation and grateful for the many good things I still have.
• I recognize both my devastating feelings and the presence of God.

Ambiguous loss can lead to unresolved grief. If you are experiencing any form of ambiguous loss, I encourage you to acknowledge it and the feelings, address it with The Healing Code, and practice dualistic thinking.