Have you heard of the phrase “tend and befriend” to describe a way to deal with stress and get your nervous system back on track?

The term was coined in 2000 by Shelley Taylor, a psychology professor at the University of California.

The “tend and befriend” theory says that when faced with a perceived threat, humans will tend to their young and rely on others for connection and support. This, she and her group of researchers observed, was especially true of humans, and human females in particular. Laboratory animals, when shocked, would attack each other. Humans, when threatened or stressed, typically affiliate with one another instead of attacking each other.

“Tending and befriending” can be an alternative response to the “fight and flight” activation when you recognize that you’re stressed. I’ve noticed I automatically want to call a friend when I’m feeling stressed or overstimulated, but I’ve found that could be a problem in some ways. Maybe the person isn’t available, and I feel momentarily abandoned. Maybe the person I turn to isn’t receptive to me at that moment. Again, that can trigger abandonment, and make me feel worse.

And for me as a Highly Sensitive introvert, sometimes reaching out is not what I need. The interaction may be more stimulating than I need, even if it’s a good interaction. I’ve noticed that when I’ve talked too long on the phone with a friend at night, I don’t sleep as well–even if the interaction was a positive one.

If you’re someone who chronically puts other people’s needs before your own, reaching out to others when you’re stressed or anxious might actually not be so healthy after all.

As I noticed this tendency to want to call someone, often at the end of the day when stress or overstimulation has piled up, I thought I might try something else.

What if I tended to myself, or my home, instead of to someone else? I too often neglect myself when I’ve had “too much.”

And then these words came to me: “Tending is mending.”

Hmmm . . . tending is mending. One way to deal with stress, one way to heal, is by tending?

Tending to what? I asked.

“Tending to whatever you’ve been neglecting,” came the answer.

Ah, that clicked. One of the results of Childhood Emotional Neglect is self-neglect.

I see this popping up in my life in numerous ways. Like doing “one more thing” at night, even when I’m tired. Or cutting short the downtime I need.

One way I hadn’t thought of, until I read a blog post by Anna Runkle, a.k.a. “The Crappy Childhood Fairy” (Youtube channel), is that “Clutter is a Trauma Symptom.”

Wow! What have I been focusing on this whole year? Decluttering and “subtracting”! Anna says that accumulating things and being unable to let them go can be a sign of childhood trauma. Perhaps instinctively, my heart has led me to this decluttering/subtracting phase as a next right step in my healing. The home is an extension of the self. Neglecting my home is neglecting myself; taking care of my home is one way to take care of myself (and the others I live with).

Tending is mending.

So, today, after my shower, instead of telling myself, “I don’t have time to clean the shower stall because I have to write this blog post,” I cleaned the shower anyway. It felt like tending.

Then I came to my desk, cleared some papers, and started writing.

I finished in good time.

Tending is mending.

What might you have been neglecting, that could use some tending?

Is it your body, a relationship, your home, a hobby, your dream?

Tending is mending. . . .

We all want breakthroughs, don’t we?

The sudden insight that leads to a whole new way of thinking and being.

The Healing Code that turns everything around. (This happened to me only TWO OR THREE TIMES in the 16 years I’ve been doing Healing Codes.)

You know in your heart that, despite the wonderful testimonials of people experiencing a great transformation from whatever X product or modality they’re using, it rarely happens that way.

(The rarity keeps the hope alive, though, and that’s not a bad thing. I’ll explain in a moment.)

What actually happens is that, as we consistently practice whatever effective modality we’re doing (yes, it does need to prove efficacious), microchanges happen.

There’s a scientific explanation for this; it has to do with the brain, and bypassing the amygdala, that part of the brain that activates the fight/flight response of your nervous system:

“Small, easily achievable goals — such as picking up and storing just one paper clip on a chronically messy desk — let you tiptoe right past the amygdala, keeping it asleep and unable to set off alarm bells. As your small steps continue and your cortex starts working, the brain begins to create “software” for your desired change, actually laying down new nerve pathways and building new habits.” –Dr. Robert Maurer, One Small Step Can Change Your Life

Photo by David Cain on Unsplash

So do not despise small changes! They are actually the building blocks for those possible breakthroughs.

Every time you do a Healing Code, you chip away at your issue. You lessen the stress in your autonomic nervous system and allow your body’s natural processes to grow stronger and to heal you.

Every time you make a small change in the direction of that new energy you have set for yourself, you add another brick to firm up your foundation of transformation.

Notice the small changes. Celebrate the small changes. I heard that noticing and celebrating even very small successes does much to counteract the natural negative bias of the brain. You begin to veer more and more in the direction of that change you wish to see.

And perhaps, one day, you will experience a breakthrough. But make no mistake: it was built on your microsteps of staying in the energy of your desired intentions.

This past week, I had nothing on my calendar in terms of appointments. It felt heavenly.

I put down several things on my “to do” list, fully intending to enjoy a productive day of easing back into business.

Except . . . my body and spirit (and the Spirit) had other plans.

I needed to REST. All three agreed. No room for argument. 

As the Spirit would have it, my friend Louise called, smack dab in the middle of when I’m usually the most productive and don’t take calls.

I took her call.

When I told her how low-energy I felt, she told me about an article she’d read on the 9 types of rest. I wrote them down. (And here’s the link to the article, to give the author full due.)

Which of these do you resonate with most?

While I do OK with 4, 5 and 8 through my healing practices, the other forms of rest seemed novel to me. 

What especially arrested me was #2, “permission to not be helpful.”

Not be helpful? That’s part of my divine design. Being helpful comes so naturally to me. I seem to know just what a person needs, and share it from the vast reservoir of knowledge I absorb so easily as a lifelong learner and highly sensitive person who naturally takes in a ton of information.

Permission not to be helpful felt so refreshing.

So this week I put off calling the clients back who are patiently waiting to meet with me. I needed the rest of not being helpful for a short time.

What about you? Do you need permission to take one (or more) of these types of rest?

I hereby bestow my permission!

And my permission is based on the One who invited me, and who invites you, into a life of rest: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

A life of rest, and work arising only out of rest and your Divine Design, is your spiritual birthright. If you would like to discover your Divine Design, go here to fill out a questionnaire and get on the waiting list.

As I wrote previously, it takes energy to heal (and to suppress emotions, traumas, negative memories).

Now that I’m focusing on recovery from a recent surgery (as well as complex PTSD), I’ve been hyper aware of what takes my energy, and what gives me energy.

Photo by Jon Flobrant on Unsplash

Being an introvert who gains energy by solitude and reflection, I have limited my social exposures and upped my reading, sleeping, and walking outside activities. These fill my energy tank.

So does writing! Which is why it’s been a joy to continue these emails and blog posts for you.

The social stuff is tricky, because the right social interactions also fill my tank. I think it’s more the scheduling of outward commitments that pushes me into sort of a time-crunch mode. Time stress and hurrying are not good for my nervous system. I am actively working on “have to” and “should” self-talk, because these activate stress for me.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Filling my tank is one thing. There is also carving out time for simple rest. This is a challenge. I’m the go-go-go person, who wants to suck as much out of life as possible. I’m beginning to see that sometimes, this too is a stress or trauma response.

What about you? What fills your energy tank, and what drains it? What can you do to add more of the “filling” activities and less of the “draining” activities? How can you manage things so that you make sure for every “drain” you add at least one “fill”?

Finding the right balance is different for each person. Part of discovering your Divine Design–and living within it—is to know these basic things about yourself.

If you would like to discover your Divine Design, go here to fill out a questionnaire and get on the waiting list.