Archive for Highly Sensitive
Reclaiming A Childhood Joy—And A Piece Of Myself
Posted by: | Comments“Our inner child, full of wonder, stays with us no matter how old we get.
“There’s a part of me that’s still ten and a half. There’s another part of me that’s 15. That part of you stays alive.
“Who we are changes over time—but some things stay the same.”
Did you read a lot as a child? Do you have favorite books that somehow shaped you?
I have begun to reread some of my favorite childhood books. Books that I absolutely loved as a child, though then perhaps I didn’t know quite why.
Revisiting them now is an interesting exercise in reconnecting with my younger selves, from the perspective of my old(er) self.
I’m reading fiction, though as a child I also read a lot of nonfiction. I don’t remember the nonfiction, but I do remember the novels.
Photo by Alexandra
When I began reading books as a child, I fell in love with words. That paved the way to my major in college, and my career as a writer, author, editor. Words are my play, my music, my expression and gifts to the world.
Yet, for many years more recently, I didn’t read even one novel.
I’m not sure why I gave up reading for pleasure, though I do remember when. The last novel I read, before I recently discovered the Libby app and audiobooks, was in 2016. Imagine that—me, a literature major in college, not reading even one novel for 9 years!
That was the year life got really crazy, and I put away that pleasure as duty called me to deal with the deaths of people and pets, settling two messy estates, basement floods, mold remediation, health issues in myself and others, losing health insurance, estrangement of family members, a broken foot, major surgery, and caregiving.
Now that I’ve rediscovered the library app and free audiobooks (the only way I can “read” these days), I’ve read 4 novels in as many weeks as I go about my tasks of cooking, cleaning, laundry, doing my physical therapy exercises, and simple decluttering,. (The more intense kind cannot be done multi-tasking.)
As I read these resurrected novels, it’s like giving voice to these younger selves. I’ve found myself weeping at times, as at last I understand why certain novels touched me so. How they validated my deepest feelings, which were not validated in any other way. How they showed me a larger life than the rather small, constricted life reflected in my family and neighborhood.
I believe books saved me from a sad and lonely childhood. They taught me more about life than my family ever did. I believe they also developed my natural empathy. There’s nothing like relating to characters in a novel, with the many viewpoints and perspectives, to help you develop empathy for real people. One of the most important and lasting lessons from A Peaceable Kingdom was that we almost never know the full story behind a person’s behavior, and if we did know the full story, we’d not judge them so. Story can do that for you.
Fiction helped me to feel. I grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect, and yet as a highly sensitive person, feelings were my first language. Imagine being shamed for “speaking” this language. When I read books like Anne of Green Gables (my current novel I’m rereading), I think it must have helped me see both the range of emotions one can feel and how to express them (Anne), and what happens to a person who has repressed them all her life (Marilla). A Little Princess helped me to see that one can keep a core sense of dignity and self even in the face of others’ indifference and cruelty.
Both books also validated that having an intense imagination, which I shared, was a strength, not a weakness. I had to smile when I read in Anne of Green Gables, her question to Marilla: “Do you ever imagine things?” I had asked the same question of my mother once when I was about 7. Both woman said no. I shared Anne’s bewilderment as to how one could get through life without imagining things.
I also just reread some of the books that were meaningful to me as an adult. And I read a totally new book, a contemporary novel that made me want to start writing letters to everyone I know (The Correspondent by Virginia Evans). Amazon describes it as “an intimate novel about the transformative power of the written word and the beauty of slowing down to reconnect with the people we love.” For me, it combined the theme of my whole life–the love of words–and the current tasks before me in my “wisdom years.”
It was an added delight to text a friend, with whom I’ve recently reconnected after years of drifting away, and find out she too was revisiting her favorite books, and just finished Anne of Green Gables and plans on continuing the series, as I am.
What books did you love as a child? What did they do for you? Have you gone back to reread any of them? What was that like? I’d love to know! Post a comment on the blog to share with others as well.
How to Deal with a Narcissist
Posted by: | CommentsHave you ever had to deal with a narcissist?
I’ve had three such relationships in my life. Two were family members, one was in a professional context.
I have found that the only way to deal with them is with very, very strong boundaries. And that they will do everything they can to try to break through those boundaries, especially if you had to call them out for anything.
One of the aforementioned persons recently reappeared in my life when I had to address something that needed to be taken care of. I stated my case, clearly asked for the remedy, and said remedy was carried out quickly, I’m happy to say.
With most people, the issue would have ended there. But with a narcissist, it never ends there. The person kept trying to engage, and I had to completely ignore the periodic pleas to “work it out.”
Photo by Emily Morter
You know you’re dealing with a narcissist when you find yourself questioning your own perceptions. When you find yourself apologizing for something and you’re not sure what. When they use guilt to manipulate you.
A good friend, who herself dealt with a narcissistic boss, advised me that “when dealing with a narcissist remember D.E.E.P.: Don’t Debate, Engage, Explain or Personalize.” She added, “This is the most profound and simple advice but not easy to follow because we make the assumption the narcissist is normal. Far from it.”
It’s difficult not to engage when the person pushes all your buttons—especially when you’re by nature an empathetic, compassionate, people pleaser. You have to remind yourself that the narcissist is not at all like you, and the way they’re acting is not even personal to you. With a narcissist, it’s always all about them, never about you (or anyone else).
Another thing I want to say is just because someone talks a good talk as a so-called Christian, if they are guilting you (often using religion), if they are gaslighting you (making you doubt your own experience), if they are trying to control you—they are a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
“By their fruit you will know them,” Jesus said. He also said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10)).
Good to ask yourself about any relationship: Is this relationship life-giving, or is there something that feels destroyed (such as your own confidence in your perceptions) or stolen (as in time, energy, confidence or well-being)?
If the relationship is not healthy, erect strong boundaries. Remember DEEP: Don’t debate, engage, explain, or personalize—no matter how hard they try to get you to do these things.
In cases like this, ghosting is a great kindness—to you, and even to them, because you’re preventing them from continuing in their sin, at least with you.
Ask This One Question Before Doing Your Healing Code
Posted by: | Comments“Where do I feel this in my body?”
Ask this about the feeling or memory you’re trying to heal.
Photo by Buddha Elemental 3D
When you locate the sensation in your body, ask another question: “When did I feel this sensation before?”
If a memory comes up, heal that. If more than one memory comes up, pick the strongest or earliest memory. You want to get at the Core Memory, the original source of the wrong belief or hurtful memory.
Don’t worry if no specific memory comes up. Just asking the question will help your heart locate what could be an unconscious or subconscious memory.
Also note where you feel GOOD feelings. When you do The Healing Codes, i.e. the pointing to the healing centers, you want to be in a “good feeling” state of mind, such as pehttps://healingcodescoaching.comace or joy or love. So, when you decide what good memory or image or Truth Focus Statement you want to focus on while doing the Code, note where you feel that in your body as well. This will not only help the Healing Code work better, it will start to anchor in your nervous system and neural pathways positive emotions, and the helpful hormones they release, to speed your healing.
It also helps your nervous system in another way if you ask this question at any time during the day.
Photo by Ashkan Forouzani
When you feel some “negative” emotion, take a second to put your hand on your heart and ask, “Where do I feel this in my body?” Sometimes just bringing attention to that will resolve the emotion quickly. The awareness tells your “survival brain” that all is well, lets the emotion pass, and bring you back to a more neutral state.
Again, when you feel good, take a moment to note where you feel that joy or love or peace or appreciation etc. in your body, and hold that for 20 seconds. Holding the feeling for 20 seconds seems to anchor the feeling in your neural pathways, from the research I’ve been doing.
(This is especially helpful for Highly Sensitive People, who do tend to feel emotions more intensely than less sensitive people.)
If you find this difficult to do, that’s OK. People who have been traumatized often feel disconnected from their body. Do not get down on yourself for that. Simply practice this question as often as you can, with nonjudgmental curiosity, and eventually you will gradually reconnect with your body.
And, when you do, it will be a big step toward healing the trauma. (For more on this, you might want to listen to a video of Tara Brach’s Healing Trauma: The Light Shines Through the Broken Places on YouTube.)
Why I’m On A “Digital Diet”
Posted by: | CommentsHeadaches. Digestive issues. Muscle tension.
I’ve been struggling with these lately, and so I decided to investigate possible root causes.
Was it my diet?
Well, yes, in a way.
It was my “digital diet.”
Too much time on my smartphone.
Photo by Adrian Swancar
Not just the news, which in this pivotal election year seems necessary to follow. That I for sure have had to curtail. As a new study reveals, “doomscrolling” is terrible for our mental health, and the news media deliberately engages in negative content because it prompts more engagement, including shares and social media reactions.
I am rarely on social media. I may check Facebook a couple of times a week, and only the constructive groups I’m part of. I follow a few people on YouTube, but less and less now, because the “Shorts” are so intrusive and stimulating. I rarely scroll without a clear intention.
But the stress also comes from just navigating modern life.
Trying to access the accounts I use for my business, my bank, the grocery store for pickups orders, checking the weather, the traffic—all require apps and authentication codes and endless time on the smartphone. I find myself feeling resentful that I can’t get through a day without a smartphone.
Then there are the apps that are pleasurable to use, like the Merlin bird app that sparks such delight. And I love getting messages from my friends.
Here’s the thing: for someone with the trait of High Sensitivity, taking in all that information (and EMF) overloads the nervous system. As an HSP, I take in way more information, and process it more deeply, than less sensitive people.
It all adds up to: nervous system OVERLOAD.
And “emotional inflammation,” which I’ve written about a lot.
I think we all have our tipping point as far as nervous system overload goes, and we do well to know what that is and to respect it.
I picked up my Emotional Inflammation book again, and it was helpful to revisit the kinds of things that trigger me, and what type of reactor I am.
As I’ve been noticing where my triggers and limits might be, it’s helped my physical symptoms. I no longer use my phone after dinner except for turning to the beautiful music on YouTube that is part of my nightly ritual. My husband and I watch a certain respected, objective, “no spin” news analyzer for less than 30 minutes a night, and that’s all the news I think I need right now.
I have unsubscribed from a lot of emails, interesting though they are, because it is just too much information to process, too much nervous system stimulation.
The more I’ve imposed these limits, the less headaches, digestive issues, and muscles tension I experience. Voila!
Your limits might well be different from mine. Just know that nervous system overload and “emotional inflammation” are real, and need to be monitored. Dealing with technology is a fact of modern life, whether we like it or not.
You can do The Healing Code to help with all this, for sure, but there are also a lot of sensible actions you can take to stem the tide at the source. Prevention is always preferable to treatment.
A Useful Metric for Monitoring Your Nervous System Capacity
One helpful way to monitor how much stimulation your particular nervous system can handle is using a “points system analysis.”
Let’s arbitrarily assign 100 points a day to one’s capacity for processing inputs. This would be after a good night’s sleep. Like a cell phone that has been fully charged overnight, if you had a good night’s sleep you wake up at 100 percent charge, with 100 “points” of capacity.
Then your day begins. You get up, maybe make a cup of coffee or tea, eat breakfast. Maybe you’re getting kids off to school. Maybe you take time to go on a walk or run, or you meditate.
Or . . . maybe you check your email, and start scrolling social media, read the news, turn on the TV . . . how many “points” does this take away?
Pay attention! What tends to actually add “points” (as if you were plugging in to your energy source), and what tends to drain points?
Each of us will answer this differently. A Highly Sensitive Person, who naturally processes everything on a much deeper level, will use more “points” to navigate everyday life than someone without this trait. Therefore it’s more important for an HSP to be aware of how many energy points their daily activities use up, and what they can do throughout the day to add energy points—like plugging your cell phone into a power source for a while.
The more things you can’t control that drain your energy points, the more energy-generating practices you need to add to your life.
And the more you probably will need to say no to anything that drains your energy that you can control. You don’t want your “cell phone” (i.e. your energy capacity) to shut down when you need it most.
If you know you have a draining day ahead of you (for instance, if you have a doctor’s appointment, or need to drive in heavy traffic), what can you do to minimize the stress and build in calming, energy-producing practices in little pockets throughout the day?
You might find it useful to make a list of things that tend to drain you (and if you like, guess how many “points” it might take from you), and a list of things that add energy for you.
Then, perhaps the night before, as you look over the next day, perhaps you can intentionally plan how to balance your energy for the next day.
I have found this makes a big difference in my mood, energy level, and even physical health.
“Planning is bringing the future into the present
so that you can do something about it now.”
~ Alan Lakein
Hidden Stressors-Part Five-Technology
Posted by: | CommentsI received a phone call and email from a long-time reader of my newsletter, thanking me for what I wrote about how my nervous system got overwhelmed and threw me into a several-day near shut-down, complete with physical pain.
Paulette wrote:
You put into words what I have been dealing with for several years! On Saturdays we have been attending a [particular group] study via Zoom. It begins at 10:30 a.m. and continues until at least 2:30 p.m. with no breaks. The teacher’s entire life is spent studying [this topic] — I mean 14 hours per day EVERY day. She always says there is so much more she wants to share, but just doesn’t have the time.
I have gotten to the point that after one hour I am ready to scream. All of her words run together for me. I really don’t hear much after that point. My husband doesn’t have the same problem. [My note: notice the difference between Paulette and her husband. Paulette is Highly Sensitive; her husband is not.]
About the same week I received your email, I said enough is enough. I told the group that [my husband and I] would be taking a break. Since we have left I am happier and more relaxed. Yesterday my neighbor commented that she had noticed a change in me.
Studying [this particular topic] when there is so much bad news all around us was more than I could handle. I have learned a lot over the past several years, but I think my health has suffered as a result of attending this group.
Thanks for putting into words what I have been feeling.
Paulette’s words to me reminded me that we often don’t recognize the hidden stressors that are sucking our energy and stretching our nervous system to the limits, because those stressors are such a part of everyday life. Read More→
Hidden Stressors-Part Three
Posted by: | CommentsIn Part Two in this series on Hidden Stressors, I talked about trauma.
How there are no “little t” traumas. Traumas have to do with how the nervous system responded to an event that was overwhelming at the time. Some people, especially highly sensitive people, may have more finely-tuned nervous systems that take in more information—hence, may be more susceptible to trauma.
I just finished watching hours of the Trauma Superconference 3 that aired the replays recently. It made me realize that a lot of us are carrying around unhealed, even unknown trauma in our nervous systems.
These traumas may be triggered by the recent (and current) collective trauma of the COVID-19 pandemic.
Especially the trauma of unmet needs. Read More→
Hidden Stressors-Part Two
Posted by: | CommentsIn a previous post I wrote about how my symptoms were beginning to flare, and how I prayed and got some insights into why.
The first was that I wasn’t honoring my sensitive nature enough, i.e. that I have the inborn trait of Sensory Processing Sensitivity: a nervous system that’s more finely tuned than 80% of the population. That makes me a Highly Sensitive Person.
The second insight was related to the first, but with more of an emphasis on recovery: Your nervous system needs to recover from the traumas you’ve been through.
I have known for a while now that Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) characterized my past, ever since I came across Dr. Jonice Webb’s excellent books, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect and Running on Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships with Your Partner, Your Parents and Your Children. (You can take the CEN questionnaire on my Free Tools page.)
I believed that I had overcome it all by now, between The Healing Codes and some therapy.
However, when my mother died and I had to deal with settling her estate with a co-executor (sister-in-law), I saw just what my family of origin really was like. A plethora of traumas revealed themselves—though a few years ago, I wouldn’t have thought of them as traumas.
That’s the thing—what our nervous system interprets as trauma might not be what our adult minds interpret as trauma. Read More→
Hidden Stressors-Part One
Posted by: | Comments“All your physical issues are from stress,” my doctor told me. They were the last words I would ever hear from her; she passed away shortly after.
But haven’t I been working on reducing stress for all these years with The Healing Codes?
The answer is yes. And they have helped tremendously. I honestly don’t think I’d even be alive now if I hadn’t been doing all I’ve done since I got my various diagnoses before The Healing Codes (osteoporosis, IBS, GERD, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, PTSD).
The Healing Codes, Halo, the c.Balance (now upgraded to the HOLOS) have all helped me not be hampered much in my daily life by these diagnosed conditions.
Now, however, the symptoms started popping up again, worsening. Why?
As always, I prayed for insight into this. Were there hidden stressors of which I wasn’t aware?
What came up surprised me.
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You haven’t been honoring your Highly Sensitive nature enough.
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Your nervous system needs to recover from the traumas you’ve been through.
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You are finally ready.
Part One: The High Sensitivity Piece
I’ve known for a while that I have this trait around 20% of all species share, in which the nervous system is wired differently. Dr. Elaine Aron explains in her ground-breaking book, The Highly Sensitive Person, which put this trait on the psychological map, that HSPs are like a different breed. Great Danes and border collies are both clearly dogs, but they are quite different. So, too, HSPs and non-HSPs are human, but they are actually quite different in many ways.
(Find out more about whether you’re a Highly Sensitive Person here.)
Maybe for you, sensitivity isn’t the issue. Maybe it’s some other kind of “diversity” that is part of your nature that you’ve not been honoring.
Maybe it’s that you’re an introvert who gets energy from reflection and alone time, and you’ve always been pushed to be more outgoing. Or vice versa. Maybe it’s that you have ADD/ADHD and your brain works differently than others.
Whatever it is that may set you apart a little, so that you tend to push it away rather than honor it, could be a hidden stressor for you.
I’ve known about being Highly Sensitive, but I haven’t been living it.
I hadn’t been honoring my need to process things deeply and thoroughly, for one. The last few years have been particularly stressful for me. On top of all the stress of the pandemic (and HSPs, by the way, are more susceptible to Emotional Inflammation), there were several personal traumas: dealing with a mold issue in the home; settling my sister-in-law’s estate out of state and fending off a crook; breaking my foot; 16 months of hell settling my mother’s estate (with all the family of origin issues that brought up); and a devastating diagnosis of a close family member. Read More→
Nervous System Rx
Posted by: | CommentsI woke the other morning with two words in my mind: calm focus.
The words themselves had a calming effect. I often wake up feeling anxious, not sure why. Emotional inflammation? Maybe. Some of my other clients (especially the Highly Sensitive ones) report the same issue.
But this morning, those two words immediately seemed to override the anxiety.
I’ve been using them all day, returning to them again and again, especially as I begin a new task. Just saying the words to myself, calm focus, seems to bring that very thing into my being.
The word calm is calming in itself. Once I feel the calm, the question becomes, “How can I bring calm focus to this task?” That’s the mental part.
What words bring peace and calm to your nervous system? Read More→
Subtraction—The Best Way to Change?
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In a recent post I wrote about how I’ve dubbed this year, when I’m 66, “the year to fix—or nix.”
By “nix” I mean: subtract.
Most of us, when we think of changes we want to make in our lives, go directly to addition. We buy a new course that promises the result we desire. We add new routines, new rules.
How often do we even think of subtracting?
A fascinating article by Leidy Klotz, author of Subtract: The Untapped Science of Less, explores how we naturally tend to add when we’re trying to solve a problem. He even conducted experiments to prove this.
Taking things away, Klotz’s experiments show, just doesn’t occur to people naturally.
Photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash
Why is this? One of his experiments points to a possible answer: cognitive overload. We have too many things to deal with at once, and this cuts into our ability to think of a wide range of solutions—including subtraction.
(Sound familiar, fellow Highly Sensitive Person?)
Our minds tend to add before taking away, and this is holding us back.
We pile on “to-dos” but don’t consider “stop-doings.” We create incentives for good behavior, but don’t get rid of obstacles to it. We collect new-and-improved ideas, but don’t prune the outdated ones. Every day, across challenges big and small, we neglect a basic way to make things better: we don’t subtract.
Thus we get houses with more stuff than we can manage (and studies have shown that clutter increases cortisol levels—bad for our health). We get institutions bogged down by more and more rules and regulations. Children get more rules, grown-ups deal with federal regulations that are 20 times as long as they were in 1950. (And what about all the rules added since the pandemic? Time to subtract—yes, yes and YES!)
Whatever you’re hoping to change in 2023, consider how subtraction plays in. Apparently it’s not as natural to think of (or implement) than adding, but could that be due more to culture than nature? Leidy Klotz’s two-year-old son solved a Lego problem by taking something away; Leidy only thought of adding.
Could it be our culture of “fast, more, be productive” is what keeps our brains from considering subtraction?
(I see the inclination to add in myself a lot. For instance, in thinking about this topic, I’m tempted to get minimalist expert Joshua Becker’s Uncluttered course. But—would that be adding something that would take more time, when I could be using that time to do the actual decluttering—the subtracting? There’s proof right there that my natural tendency is to add….)
At least now I’m aware that I automatically think of adding, and it often doesn’t occur to me to subtract. Awareness leads to new options, to choice.
Perhaps we shut off the idea of subtraction because we unconsciously equate it with loss. But is it loss if we consciously choose it? It doesn’t feel like loss to me when I choose to let something go. At least, there’s a counter-balancing reason to let it go that’s greater than the urge to keep it.
Photo by Nguyen Thu Hoai on Unsplash
As I’ve pondered this in the dead of winter, I realize: subtracting should not be any big insight, nor does it have to be seen as loss. Every fall, much in nature is subtracted: the leaves on the trees, green grass, flowers. Every year, at least those of us with four seasons get a reminder that in order to replenish, we must subtract and allow things to lie fallow for a while.
If you’re a gardener, you know it’s important to prune, to deadhead, if you want fruit and blooms.
Nature renews itself through subtraction.
And so can we. We can choose nature over culture. We can prune to promote growth and renewal.
