Archive for My Healing Story

I always thought it was a good thing to be a nice person, and strove to be a nice person myself.

Until I read this article by Jason Henry.

Henry says that people who are are “nice” (as opposed to “good”) are people who don’t want to hurt others because they were so hurt and traumatized in the past and didn’t heal, that they make a vow (perhaps unconscious) to never make others feel the way they felt.

Perhaps those who possess the trait of high sensitivity are even more susceptible to this. I’ve often thought that HSPs were the nicest people in the world. Because we feel so deeply and take in so much, including our own suffering and that of others, we often bend over backwards to make sure we don’t cause suffering to other people.

Sounds noble, right? Even, perhaps, “Christian.” Do not do unto others as they have done unto you.

However, Henry says that when you dissect this vow for its ramifications, there are several big problems.

First of all, “nice” people aren’t honest. They say whatever will make the other person feel good, whether they mean it or believe it or not. They cannot make others feel bad because that will trigger their own negative feelings from the past.

Which means that “nice” people are actually selfish. They may give you “the shirt off their back” but their attempt to alleviate your suffering is really about preventing their being reminded of their own suffering. They’re not doing it for you, but for them.

“Nice” people actually abuse themselves. In sacrificing themselves for others to alleviate their own suffering and pain, they invite abuse from others. Sad to say, a lot of people take advantage of “nice” people. They will suck the marrow of of the nice person because the nice person doesn’t put up a fight.

Both society and many types of religion applaud “nice” people who sacrifice themselves. I remember a memorial service in which the sibling of the dead person said, “He never thought about himself.” I couldn’t help but wonder if that’s why the person died prematurely of cancer. He was highly sensitive, he was so “nice.” But what heart issues festered under that seemingly noble facade?

Nice vs. Good

The healthy contrast to “nice” is “good.”

The good person helps others, not to alleviate or prevent their own suffering, but out of a genuine desire to help.

The good person possesses the capacity to look at pain and suffering and be OK with it, whether their own or others’. They can lend a helping hand, but not at their own expense.

They do not rescue. They believe in the capacity of the other person to solve their own problems. They may point the suffering person to resources that will help. If the suffering person doesn’t follow through, they are OK with that. They don’t feel guilty about the choice the suffering person made.

Good people know that other people must be allowed the dignity of living with their own choices. They cannot easily be manipulated into overgiving.

How to Become Good

If you recognize yourself as a “nice” person, you can become “good” instead by first, facing and healing your own past.

One sign of healing is that you can allow pain and suffering to be present without feeling compelled to change things or change people. You can feel compassion without needing to fix the problem.

When you make peace with your past, you can have peace with your present. You won’t attract manipulative or abusive people, either.

Jason Henry’s article was timely for me as I have gone through a particularly difficult family situation that has brought up patterns that are dysfunctional and toxic. It shone a bright spotlight on issues I’d thought I’d healed, but in fact had buried.

I saw clearly how I’d fallen into the trap of being “nice,” and how I was being pressured to rescue certain people from their choices. I felt confused about what the “Christian” thing to do was.

After praying and consulting with mature spiritual advisers, I came to see that being “nice” would really be abetting these people in living in unreality. They wanted to continue being rescued, despite the fact that they are grown adults. The most loving thing was actually to allow them to be the adults they are, and experience the dignity of living with their own choices.

I had to face my own compulsion to be “nice,” and heal the wounds that were still there. Because of all the work I’ve already done and my willingness to grow, it actually didn’t take more than a few weeks to work through the pain of the past and come out (I think) on the other side.

Being a “good” person feels so much nicer than being a “nice” person. I feel a brand-new freedom I’d never felt before.

Try it, you’ll like it!

And if you would like some personalized help in moving from “nice” to “good” by healing the heart issues that underlie that pattern, check out my coaching at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

Have you ever been under so much stress that you just couldn’t get your brain to focus on even the simplest task at hand?

I’m sure you have. Perhaps it’s even a daily occurrence, given the amount of stress many of us have endured for so long. It hasn’t really abated, has it?

Today, I needed to write my weekly article, and my brain just wasn’t working.

Normally I am full of ideas; knowing what to write about was never a problem. I texted my best friend, Louise: “Pray for me please. I can’t think of a thing to write about.”

Louise knew exactly why my brain wasn’t working. She is the only one, aside from my husband, who has been privy to all the twists and turns of this estate I need to settle as co-executor. Several lawyers have agreed our situation will go down in the annals of lawyer lore as The Most Complicated and Messy Situation EVER.

Twists and turns, delays and roadblocks, unpleasant shocks . . . Every. Step. Of. The. Way.

And now we were facing a deadline, and there was dead silence from all the people I needed to hear from.

Louise texted back, “How about writing about when you can’t think due to stress? Explore what it’s like and how it happens and why there are times when you need to give yourself an extra large dose of grace.”

So here goes. Here’s what it’s like, and what I did to get through it to a place of calm. Read More→

I’ve been doing something for the past 25-30 years, and I’m just now realizing that it’s the most important thing I do, and the subsequent skill developed is the most important skill I’ve cultivated.

It’s been responsible for any success I can claim, any effectiveness and even joy I experience.

The practice is spending time every day when I tune in to my innermost self, and to God (not exactly the same, but uses the same faculty, perhaps).

Through this, I’ve learned to listen to God, so that hearing his voice comes naturally to me. Read More→

I thought this would be another story of grace in my ongoing cat saga. Perhaps it is. Just not in the way I expected.

If you followed my cat stories, several months ago we lost Joey, our beloved black cat (the best cat ever), and also became petless for the first time in decades.

After months of not having a cat, and a couple of negative attempts to bring another pet into our lives, a few weeks ago I was really, really missing having a cat. Yet, I didn’t know if I was ready for a full commitment to a pet at this time (vet bills, food bills, and dealing with possible destruction of furniture as we had with the last brief cat visitation). I just entrusted the longing to God.

Not two hours later, I was checking my Nextdoor chat group, and someone posted that they needed someone to take care of her 14-year-old cat for 6 weeks. The cat loved to sit on a lap (and wasn’t picky about whose), she was front declawed, and used her litter box religiously. Bingo!

I private messaged the owner, Zadie, and told her how we’d lost our last cat, who was an older lap cat, I wasn’t ready for a full commitment to a pet yet, we did not have any pets and would love to take care of her cat.

I didn’t hear back from her right away, and let it go, figuring that she chose one of the other volunteers. But I was wrong. Zadie had actually called right away and left a voice message (I often don’t get my vms right away), and said, “You sound just like someone sent from heaven for me and my cat. Please give me a call. I can’t tell you how perfect you are….”

It did seem perfect. Zadie provided all the food and litter. We just needed to provide the love and care. I looked forward to having a lap cat again (who wouldn’t wreck our furniture).

So in came Kaya, a gray Manx cat whose lack of a tail weirded us all out at first. But she was sweet and friendly. All went well—for a couple of weeks.

Soon, however, I began to get concerned. Kaya wasn’t eating much. When she stopped drinking and eating, scorning even her special daily treat of shrimp (I spoiled her as Zadie did), I began to worry.

When Kaya threw up, I contacted the owner. It took Zadie a day to get back to me. She was very thankful that I had contacted her about the problem, and I’m sure, very worried about her beloved cat.

Zadie had her daughter come and take Kaya to the vet. After a couple of days at the animal hospital, during which time I did Healing Codes for Kaya, I got the report that Kaya was eating and doing better and could go home.

This time “home” was not my house. Zadie was sensitive enough to pick up that I wasn’t crazy about taking care of someone else’s sick cat, and had her daughter-in-law take the cat.

What happened, in fact, was that I was triggered into grief about Joey. I remembered that in the last couple of weeks of Joey’s life, the same things happened: he didn’t eat, drink, and he messed outside his litter box (which he never did, and neither had Kaya previously). I could not deal with another sick or dying cat.

I realized I’m still not over grief concerning Joey. I’ve had a lot of grief in the past year or so: Joey, my mother, an ongoing private grief, and other past unhealed losses I didn’t realize I need to work on. They are all melting into each other it seems, and I need to create space to heal it.

With every loss, there is a subtle diminishment of identity. I am no longer a pet owner. I am no longer anyone’s daughter.

Recovering from grief is a journey, and healing grief is more complicated than I thought. Though I’ve been working on it for a while now, I find you can’t rush it.

The outcome of taking in this cat was not what I expected. Instead of the comfort of having a cat purring on my lap (which happened exactly once with Kaya, before she started acting sick), unhealed grief was stirred up.

At this point, it’s like, “three strikes you’re out” concerning cats. Kaya was my third strike. At least for now, I’m not interested in any pets. I need space to heal more of this grief and deal with the recent new challenges that crop up unbidden. I’m in a mode of subtraction, not addition.

When I saw on Nextdoor that another cat “desperately needed a forever home,” I wasn’t even tempted.

This may or may not be the last chapter of my cat saga. If it is, I’m OK with it. There is a time and season for everything. This is a season of letting go. There can still be peace in that.

If you need help in healing grief or any other heart issue, check out my coaching at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

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A friend of mine was asked to fill out a survey asking, “Are you optimistic or pessimistic about 2021?”

How would you answer this?

As I reflected on this, I came to the conclusion that I’m both optimistic and pessimistic. It all depends on which perspective I’m coming from.

And my “both” answer is also based on looking back on 2020.

CC BY-SA by jospeee

From an outward perspective, looking at the world and all that happened, it was awful. I don’t have to remind you of the negatives: a global pandemic. Racial unrest. Political instability. Violence. Unemployment. Businesses lost. Lives lost. Friendships and families torn asunder by the polarization that has only grown.

My heart has broken many times over these things.

And 2021 so far hasn’t exactly given us much reason to think things will get that much better, though there are glimmers of hope.

Personally, 2020 was also a time of loss for me. My mother. My cat and last pet. Difficult diagnoses that, if the doctors are right, will only get worse.

Outwardly, not much cause for optimism.

I’m sure you have your own losses and challenges. No use glossing them over. It was a year of suffering.

I recently gave a custom Healing Code for the Emotional Inflammation from all of this. (You can go here to access the custom Healing Code for emotional inflammation. Use this password to access the correct page: EIHC2021.)

When you look at life strictly from a human perspective, if you base your hope on what human beings can do (though we can do some pretty amazing things), I think you would tend to be pessimistic.

Yet, I’m also optimistic.

I’m optimistic because human beings do not have the last word.

God does.

And God’s Word says he’s at work, busy making all things new.

God’s last word says he has a plan, he’s working to head up all things under his kingdom which is all about “righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 14:17)

When I look at my inner world, I am optimistic. I have seen what God has done even last year, turning the lousy outward circumstances for good in my life and the lives of those I’m close to.

Take, for instance, my broken foot. God got so much mileage out of that one for me, and I’ve written about it some. I won’t go into details, but the timing was such that it actually answered at least two other prayers I had been praying.

Also, it helped me to slow down—something I apparently was unable to do without a little tough love on God’s part. (I had actually told God, “I know you’ve been telling me to slow down, but I just don’t know how.” Allowing me to break my foot–which happened because I was rushing–was God’s answer. By God’s grace, I didn’t need crutches, I didn’t need surgery. It slowed me down just enough to answer my prayer.) The lesson is sticking; I really am slowing down.

When my business also slowed down, I was able to get PUA assistance, and the time allowed me to work on some exciting new programs for you.

What about you? Can you look back on 2020 and see any ways God has turned some difficulty into a blessing?

He can do that for everything, I believe. The key is to entrust the situation to him.

“God, I don’t know what you’re doing here, it sure looks like a terrible situation to me right now. But I believe you, being God, can by definition do anything. And I believe you are good. So, because of your infinite wisdom and creativity, I’m going to entrust this situation, this year, to your creativity, goodness and wisdom.”

Then, get curious and hopeful about what he will do. Even if the curiosity is laced with a bit of skepticism (“God, I can’t wait to see how you can turn this into something good”), it seems to be enough to give space for God to work. 

Curiosity and hope—that will get us through 2021 so that, a year from now, we can look back and say, “it was the worst of times, and—only because of God—it was also the best of times.”

And if you need help with being able to trust God because of past negative experiences, with religion or relationships (both affect our relationship with God), feel free to contact me for some coaching. Some of my new approaches really help with this. A client told me just the other day, “You’re the first person who was able to hold space for me to heal my relationship with God. I’ve seen breakthroughs since.” 

I’m not surprised that she’s had breakthroughs. Our relationship with God affects everything. Connecting with the Source of Life seems an obvious first step to walking the path of life.

October 2020 marked my 10-year anniversary of getting certified as a Healing Codes Coach/Practitioner by Dr. Alex Loyd.

What an amazing and wonderful 10 years it’s been!

So much healing, and so much learned.

A therapist friend said to me, after finding out some things about my past, “How did YOU come out of all that? I mean, someone who is able to do what you do and have done in the world, usually doesn’t come out of THAT kind of background.”

Answer: God’s grace, and a lot of hard work on my part. Also these:

  • Believing somehow that anything can be overcome, if only I have the faith and the willingness to do the hard work of transformation.
  • A willingness to learn, and most of all, a desire to grow. To grow beyond the confines of a narrow, emotionally deficient background and trauma.

I believe you also have those qualities, or you wouldn’t be reading my blog. YOU are the kind of self-aware person who desires to heal your heart issues—those negative memories, beliefs and feelings that block you from experiencing the love, joy, peace, purpose and self-fulfillment you sense is your God-given design.

And because you are that kind of person, and to celebrate some of the most fulfilling (as well as challenging) last 10 years of my work, I want to give you something that will speed your Healing Code results—if you choose to use it. Read More→

Nobody wants to tell you this.

But I think you can handle the truth. I love you too much to not tell you this.

The healing journey is a bumpy road, full of ups and downs, setbacks and detours.

In your heart, you know this already. But, when you’re desperate for healing, you will grasp at anything that offers the instant cure.

It doesn’t exist.

In all my 13 years of doing The Healing Codes, I can count ONE experience of an instant healing.

It was pretty dramatic, I admit. I had a horrible head cold, and was miserable for several days. At the peak of the miserable symptoms, I was doing a Healing Code addressing poor boundaries. Literally in the middle of doing that Healing Code, all my symptoms vanished suddenly and completely.

It was astonishing, but on one level it made sense. The immune system is all about boundaries: the body says, “This is mine, this is not mine.” I was working on a boundary issue. Apparently that Healing Code healed that particular memory I was working on, and apparently that memory was the source of my succumbing to that particular virus.

That experience, however, was not the norm. Read More→

A week ago I learned something fascinating about the brain, and have been experimenting with the practical aspects of it ever since.

The results are amazing.

(If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know I’m an inveterate learner, and I love to pass on to you what I’m learning in a way that will enhance your life and your healing somehow.)

What I learned, from Dr. Jim Wilder, a neuroscientist: Fear and curiosity run on the same brain circuit.

So what, you say?

So what is this: Since these two emotions run on the same brain circuit, you cannot experience fear/anxiety and curiosity at the same time.

Soooo, when you feel fearful/have a fearful thought, if you catch yourself and switch to curiosity—poof, the fear is gone!

I have been trying this myself. There is a certain ongoing situation in my life that triggers feeling threatened and fearful. I have actually been praying about how to quit feeling fearful. This is my answer.

Now when the trigger happens, instead of the usual, “What does this mean? What will this require of me? How can I cope with that too?” . . .

I switch to: “I wonder what prompted that person to say/do/think that? I wonder why it triggers me so much?” (This “why does it trigger me so?” is a question you can ask yourself to find out what underlying memories might be making the current situation worse. Then, of course, you address those memories with a Healing Code. In this situation,I actually know why I get triggered, and have worked on healing that. But the ongoing situation still has to be dealt with, and asking the first question helps that.)

Another way to engage in curiosity is to use the “I wonder what would happen if …?” formula.

“I wonder what would happen if instead of defending myself, I apologized?”

“I wonder what would happen if I prayed for that person/situation?”

“I wonder what would happen if I did (or said) nothing this time?”

“I wonder what would happen if I reacted in the exact opposite way as I feel like reacting?”

(I wonder what will happen if YOU try some of these things. Let me know!)

Switching to curiosity really does work. Not only does it take you out of the fear vibration, but it moves you into a much higher vibration of possibility, discovery, even joy. There is a great expansiveness and openness about curiosity.

I am finding new solutions to problems when I switch from fear/overwhelm/anxiety to curiosity. It’s been fun, amazing, and—I highly recommend it!

Try it, and let me know what happens by adding a comment. Sharing our stories encourages others and also opens up all of us to new possibilities.

And if you would like personalized help with healing the blocks to curiosity and expansiveness, I’m just a few clicks away at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

Several years ago, in my prayer time these words were imprinted on my soul: “You need to feel it so we can heal it.”

At the time, I didn’t really understand this. In fact, I disagreed with it. Alex Loyd taught us practitioners that with The Healing Codes, you didn’t even have to feel the emotions.

Such impressions on my spirit I take as possible messages from God, so I looked for proof as to what to believe.

Since I believe Scripture is revealed Truth, that is always my first go-to for testing anything. Were there any scriptures that attested to this idea that you have to “feel it” to be healed? And what did the greatest Healer who walked the earth do—how did Jesus heal? Read More→

In my last blog post, I wrote about how we lost Joey, our cat of 16 years. And how I had my eye on a new cat, Buddy. The writeup said he was ready to save a new human with his unconditional love.”

I did end up learning lessons from Buddy the cat. Not about love, but about the Heart, grief, and the power of the Halo.

It all started when the foster mom for Buddy called on Monday to offer to bring the cat to my house. I thought, “Why not?” But I didn’t really pray about it or check in with my Heart.

Well, the foster mom for Buddy called on Monday to offer to bring the cat to my house. I thought, “Why not?” But I didn’t really pray about it or check in with my Heart.

On Tuesday foster mom Rita brought Buddy by. He was very shy, but we finally coaxed him out of his hiding place. He rubbed up against our legs and allowed us to pet him. Read More→

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