Getting Comfortable with Discomfort
ByMy 29-year-old daughter, a traveling physical therapist who has come to live with us for the next 3 months, asked me if I could drive her to the airport to catch a plane to get to a bachelorette party.
I said no.
I had only driven to the airport ONCE, and that was for her last year. It was a nightmare, between the traffic, construction, and congestion at the airport itself. Not to mention the stress of wondering if she’d miss her plane because of the traffic delays, though we had given ourselves plenty of time to get there.
Photo by Nabeel Syed
Usually my husband would drive to the airport, but he hasn’t been able to drive for two years. And my vision issues with depth of perception make parking especially challenging.
Plus, I didn’t have the time. I’m barely keeping up with things as it is, which causes me a lot of stress, and a trip to and from the airport would take out my entire day, realistically.
So I said no, and told her that I hated to say no, I want to be there for her, but I just can’t.
It was difficult to admit that I have limitations now that interfere with what I wish I could do. As a friend pointed out when I told her about this, “You’re used to being there for everyone else, and discounting your own needs. This boundary was huge for you.”
She also said, “You know, you would have felt uncomfortable either way. If you said yes, you would have experienced the stress of the drive to the airport. When you said no, you felt guilt that you couldn’t be there like you used to be for your daughter. Either way, there’d be discomfort. By saying no to her, you benefited. And she found another way. Had you said yes, she would have benefited, but you would have suffered.”
My feeling guilty is only because I was believing a lie from childhood, that everyone else’s needs come first, and I don’t matter. Under that lie, my only option to feel OK would be to put my daughter’s needs first, and ignore or repress my own stress. (Something I did for so much of my life.)
Photo by cottonbro studio
I think another part of the lie is that somehow I can avoid discomfort. Discomfort is a part of life. Often, we’re faced with a choice between one discomfort or another. Saying yes to one thing often means saying no to another, and vice versa. Realizing this, and getting comfortable with discomfort, can give you back a sense of agency.
Unbelievably, my daughter asked me again to drive her. This time I told her, as lovingly as I could, that I face different challenges and responsibilities than I did 10 years ago, the last time she lived with us for any length of time. She accepted it, though I’m sure it’s difficult for her, too, to realize her mother isn’t the beacon of strength I’d portrayed myself to be (at my expense) for all her life.
And that’s part of the discomfort of her own growth journey. She’s mature enough to handle it.
Growing up (or growing wiser or healthier) demands getting comfortable with discomfort. On the other side is freedom and empowerment.
I share my healing journey with you in the hopes that something in what I say will shed some light on your own healing path. Feel free to respond, either by replying to this email or by commenting on the blog. Perhaps your experience will also help others!
