How to Deal with a Narcissist

Have you ever had to deal with a narcissist?

I’ve had three such relationships in my life. Two were family members, one was in a professional context.

I have found that the only way to deal with them is with very, very strong boundaries. And that they will do everything they can to try to break through those boundaries, especially if you had to call them out for anything.

One of the aforementioned persons recently reappeared in my life when I had to address something that needed to be taken care of. I stated my case, clearly asked for the remedy, and said remedy was carried out quickly, I’m happy to say.

With most people, the issue would have ended there. But with a narcissist, it never ends there. The person kept trying to engage, and I had to completely ignore the periodic pleas to “work it out.”

Photo by Emily Morter

You know you’re dealing with a narcissist when you find yourself questioning your own perceptions. When you find yourself apologizing for something and you’re not sure what. When they use guilt to manipulate you.

A good friend, who herself dealt with a narcissistic boss, advised me that “when dealing with a narcissist remember D.E.E.P.: Don’t Debate, Engage, Explain or Personalize.” She added, “This is the most profound and simple advice but not easy to follow because we make the assumption the narcissist is normal. Far from it.”

It’s difficult not to engage when the person pushes all your buttons—especially when you’re by nature an empathetic, compassionate, people pleaser. You have to remind yourself that the narcissist is not at all like you, and the way they’re acting is not even personal to you. With a narcissist, it’s always all about them, never about you (or anyone else).

Another thing I want to say is just because someone talks a good talk as a so-called Christian, if they are guilting you (often using religion), if they are gaslighting you (making you doubt your own experience), if they are trying to control you—they are a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

“By their fruit you will know them,” Jesus said. He also said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10)).

Good to ask yourself about any relationship: Is this relationship life-giving, or is there something that feels destroyed (such as your own confidence in your perceptions) or stolen (as in time, energy, confidence or well-being)?

If the relationship is not healthy, erect strong boundaries. Remember DEEP: Don’t debate, engage, explain, or personalize—no matter how hard they try to get you to do these things.

In cases like this, ghosting is a great kindness—to you, and even to them, because you’re preventing them from continuing in their sin, at least with you.