Leaning into the Gray Places

Today, I felt as gray inside as the day was outside.

I decided I would allow myself to feel as bad as I feel, and look as bad as I feel. No makeup, no trying to get this last bad haircut to look better.

The grief was leaking out of the cracks of what I have to do today, and out of my eyes. It felt like it was all too much.

I called to mind the verse I wake up praying every day now. The verse: “The Lord himself goes before you, and is with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be discouraged; do not be afraid” (Deuteronomy 31:8).

The prayer: “Lord, thank you for going before me this day, preparing the way. Help me just to follow. Thank you that you will be with me, and that I can get curious about what you’ll do, rather than afraid or discouraged.”

I still felt gray.

I did my healing work, without which I’m convinced I’d sink into the depths of despair.

I still felt gray.

I put on my orthopedic boot and walking shoe, jacket and gloves and hobbled out into this gray day.

It helped. I was getting back to my 25-year habit of walking every morning, rain or shine, broken foot or no. (I think it’s healed, but will find out next week for sure. I figure, though, that if I can walk inside, why can’t I walk outside and get some fresh air?)

I still felt gray.

And you know what?

It was OK.

God was glad to be with me on this gray day, when I felt gray. I don’t have to be happy or grateful or anything to be acceptable for him.

At least, that’s the kind of God I know. One of the names Jesus called himself was “friend,” and today I felt he was my friend, just happy to be with me even if I wasn’t the best of company.

Then he poked a hole in the grayness and shined some light, in the form of a package from a client and friend who sent me this amazing gift that was actually an answer to a prayer I’d prayed just this morning!

Part of the grayness dragging me down was trying to get into Christmas and gift-giving. I love giving someone just the right gift. And I feel real anxious when I don’t know what to get someone. I was really stumped as to what to get or do for my husband.

This morning I’d asked God to open up a creative idea.

The gift I was sent was actually the perfect gift for my husband. I’ll use it too, but it’s something that will make his life even easier than it will mine. (I can’t say what it is in case he reads this!)

I called my friend and thanked her, told her what a genius she is for creating this. Seriously, it is ingenious how she put it together. She didn’t think it was so genius, but that’s how everyone who is working in their genius thinks. It comes so easily for them, they think, “Anyone can do this.”

No they can’t. What’s easy for her is something I couldn’t ever do.

[Coaching side note: What comes so easily to you that you think anyone could do it? Check around with people. How many of them can do that thing that seems so easy for you? What might happen if you leaned into that, prayed about it, asked God what he wants to do with it? That’s a big part of “aligning with your divine design.”]

Another way God brought a splash of color into my gray day was a phone call from a friend, who listened to my woes and prayed for me. One thing she prayed I hadn’t mentioned at all, but the Holy Spirit was nudging her to mention it. It’s something I did NOT want to think about or address, but it’s also not the first time God was bringing this issue to my attention. More work to be done here.

“The Lord himself goes before you, and is with you….”

Even in the gray places.

image by Louise Ferrebee

If you would like personalized help in healing any “heart issue” that is pulling you down into the “gray places,” check out my coaching at  HealingCodesCoaching.com.