“Misery Loves Company”-Why?

I was getting to know a new acquaintance the other day, and the conversation drifted to the time when my mother died and I had to settle her estate with a co-executor who had her own views of reality. I mentioned it was a very toxic situation, with the fallout being I had to cut myself off from two of my siblings and their families.

My new friend quickly shared she’d had a very similar experience. We compared notes, and offered each other empathy. I shared a detail that shocked her. “I just can’t imagine what that would be like,” she said.

There’s a saying that “misery loves company.” I thought of that as my friend and I talked.

Why does misery love company?

I don’t think it’s because we’re intrinsically mean. I think it’s something else altogether.

When Cathy was shocked by the detail I shared, I felt validated.

It really was that bad, what I went through. Cathy saw it, and validated it with her empathy.

I validated her situation, too. It really was bad for both of us.

My therapist friend told me that every single client of hers who has Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) has a part of them that believes “it wasn’t really that bad.” We minimize the experience for two reasons: to minimize the pain, and because we were constantly gaslit to believe it wasn’t that bad. We must be the problem if we think there was a problem.

When someone listens, really listens, and empathizes with the emotion behind what you’re saying, that validation is quite healing. I’m not talking mere sympathy here, where you feel sorry for someone. Empathy is when you feel with another person—and they can tell the difference. Sympathy can be demeaning, but empathy is validating.

I think that’s one of the most valuable aspects of good coaching. Some clients have never really been heard or seen and validated for who they are or how they feel. In a supportive group, it can be even more powerful.

Being validated by another person is crucial, but so is self-validation. Be kind and compassionate to yourself when difficult feelings or memories arise, and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with what you have, and have always done that. Remind yourself how much God loves you: Jesus died for you. You are loved, honored, and precious in God’s sight (Isaiah 43:4).

Plus—probably anyone would feel the way you do if they were in your shoes. (Anyone with a heart who isn’t being gaslit, that is.)

Jesus healed through compassion (Matthew 9:36, 14:14, 15:32). He extends that to you. You can add self-compassion to that as well.

Misery loves company only until the misery is validated. Validation triggers release, and then you (or another person) can move on.