Years ago (1982) there was a movie called “A Year of Living Dangerously.” I enjoyed the movie, but I especially loved the title. I would often look back on a particular year and try to characterize it in a phrase, or a few words, as I reflected back (which I can’t help but do this time of year, especially since my birthday is also on Christmas so it’s a natural time to look back).

Well, for all of us, 2020 has been Some Year.

How would YOU fill in the blank? “2020: The year of _____.”

Post your comments here on the blog, or on my Healing Codes Coaching Facebook page. Preferably in 6 words or less!

I’ve been pondering this, because I believe it’s important to take a look back before you can move ahead.

Perhaps you would want to fill in the blank with a word that used to be deemed unprintable. (Don’t post that, please.)

Just brainstorm, and post your six top words for “2020: The year of _____.” Try to come up with at least two out of the six that are positive.

I’ll report on yours—and mine—next time. Look for it.

Today, I felt as gray inside as the day was outside.

I decided I would allow myself to feel as bad as I feel, and look as bad as I feel. No makeup, no trying to get this last bad haircut to look better.

The grief was leaking out of the cracks of what I have to do today, and out of my eyes. It felt like it was all too much.

I called to mind the verse I wake up praying every day now. The verse: “The Lord himself goes before you, and is with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be discouraged; do not be afraid” (Deuteronomy 31:8).

The prayer: “Lord, thank you for going before me this day, preparing the way. Help me just to follow. Thank you that you will be with me, and that I can get curious about what you’ll do, rather than afraid or discouraged.”

I still felt gray.

I did my healing work, without which I’m convinced I’d sink into the depths of despair.

I still felt gray.

I put on my orthopedic boot and walking shoe, jacket and gloves and hobbled out into this gray day.

It helped. I was getting back to my 25-year habit of walking every morning, rain or shine, broken foot or no. (I think it’s healed, but will find out next week for sure. I figure, though, that if I can walk inside, why can’t I walk outside and get some fresh air?)

I still felt gray.

And you know what? Read More→

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My husband and I were talking to our counselor shortly after a very upsetting incident. I was telling her about how this incident triggered memories of feeling unsafe.

“How many times have you been in calamitous situations and it worked out?” she asked. “I want to reinforce that you are resourceful and smart and you will do all right.”

Though it was comforting in a way to hear this, in a way it made me mad, too. I didn’t exactly choose either the past “calamitous situations” or the current one. I didn’t care, at that point, that these challenges were making me a stronger person. I just wanted a break for once.

The therapist must have seen the look on my face, because she said, very softly and gently, “Your whole life prepared you for this [new calamitous situation] . . . dammit.”

I’m not one to swear, but this felt entirely appropriate. It was exactly how I felt. What I was facing now was my biggest fear come true. And I hated it.

Later, in dialogue with God, I continued the argument.

“Why does everything have to be so hard?” Read More→

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My mother left this earth on November 19, 2020. Marie Boos Filakovsky was 88.

There is grief. It’s showing up as lethargy, insomnia, fatigue, and sadness. I am always amazed at how strong the mother-daughter bond is.

Mom and I had a complicated relationship. The product of Childhood Emotional Neglect herself, she passed that on. She married a good man, my father, and lived out the 1950s script of a good Catholic girl, wife, and mother.

Mom and me, Aug. 2017

I never knew who she really was.

Until she was 78.

That’s when I started giving her custom Healing Codes. And I watched her change.

The changes in my mother solidified for me the power of The Healing Codes.

I can still remember the day she asked me how I was doing—and meant it. Before that, our weekly calls were mostly about her. It didn’t feel like she really was interested in me. Until that day.

From then on, she opened her heart more and more. I discovered to my astonishment that she had a tender, sensitive heart. For most of her life, she had hidden it under layers of socialization. Once she said to me, “You are giving me what I should have given you,” i.e. emotional support.

Then she had a stroke. And a second one, in 2017. After that, communication was very difficult. In a way, I lost the mother I’d just found.

A few weeks ago she was put on palliative care, and it was really difficult not to go out there. But with COVID-19, I just couldn’t risk flying out, for her sake and mine. I was told that it was too taxing for her to talk on the phone.

It was so hard, being cut off from her in her last days. Read More→

What is your earliest memory? It may hold the key to the identity you have built for yourself (which perhaps you may want to amend).

My earliest memory is from when I was around 3 years old, and my family was visiting my grandparents. My grandmother asked me kindly, “How are you, Diane?” To which I replied, “My name isn’t Diane. I’m The Lone Ranger!”

I don’t know where that came from. Perhaps when I was hospitalized for the first 6 weeks of my life and operated on for an abdominal obstruction, my little heart came to believe that I had to go it alone in the world. Then, when I watched The Lone Ranger show, that whole “save the world by being different, by fighting for the right thing, by doing/seeing things your own way” took hold.

(I recently watched this program on Youtube. I couldn’t get through more than two.)

Somehow the “Lone Ranger” icon stayed in the culture, and with my subconscious mind for a long time. Growing up, I didn’t have much support for being who I was. I was truly a Lone Ranger, but one who figured out how to get what I need and learn what I need to know. Without any help from anyone (because then, it just wasn’t there).

The approach served me well. Or so I thought.

Until …  It didn’t. Read More→

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October 2020 marked my 10-year anniversary of getting certified as a Healing Codes Coach/Practitioner by Dr. Alex Loyd.

What an amazing and wonderful 10 years it’s been!

So much healing, and so much learned.

A therapist friend said to me, after finding out some things about my past, “How did YOU come out of all that? I mean, someone who is able to do what you do and have done in the world, usually doesn’t come out of THAT kind of background.”

Answer: God’s grace, and a lot of hard work on my part. Also these:

  • Believing somehow that anything can be overcome, if only I have the faith and the willingness to do the hard work of transformation.
  • A willingness to learn, and most of all, a desire to grow. To grow beyond the confines of a narrow, emotionally deficient background and trauma.

I believe you also have those qualities, or you wouldn’t be reading my blog. YOU are the kind of self-aware person who desires to heal your heart issues—those negative memories, beliefs and feelings that block you from experiencing the love, joy, peace, purpose and self-fulfillment you sense is your God-given design.

And because you are that kind of person, and to celebrate some of the most fulfilling (as well as challenging) last 10 years of my work, I want to give you something that will speed your Healing Code results—if you choose to use it. Read More→

I’ve written before about some of the words that have come to me, usually unbidden, that always offer a new perspective on something (one definition of a miracle). Often these words come out of the blue, when I’m walking or writing my morning pages or even when I’m cooking.

My most popular blog post, “12 Words that Changed Everything” still resonates with me and, apparently, many others. So does “Settling into the energy of ‘enough’” and “you have to feel it so we can heal it.”

And, these days when my personal life has changed because of my foot injury: “Just because things aren’t the same, doesn’t mean they still can’t be good.”

All these came to me pre-COVID-19, yet they resonate with an even stronger energy now than before.

One sentence though, came to me before COVID-19 that I’ve never written about. It was this: “What if this _____ (relationship, circumstance, problem) were more of a gift to be received, than a problem to be solved?”

I never wrote about it because I resisted it. Before COVID-19 hit, it seemed impossible enough that some of the problems I was trying to solve could be gifts. Then it became even more ludicrous to consider that the problems ushered in by a global pandemic could be gifts in any way.

Yet the question keeps coming back, and honestly, I feel almost angry. For instance, about this question: “What if this whole global crisis is a gift to received, more than a problem to be solved?”

Certainly it is a problem to be solved, I argue back. In fact, many problems to be solved. Read More→

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Nobody wants to tell you this.

But I think you can handle the truth. I love you too much to not tell you this.

The healing journey is a bumpy road, full of ups and downs, setbacks and detours.

In your heart, you know this already. But, when you’re desperate for healing, you will grasp at anything that offers the instant cure.

It doesn’t exist.

In all my 13 years of doing The Healing Codes, I can count ONE experience of an instant healing.

It was pretty dramatic, I admit. I had a horrible head cold, and was miserable for several days. At the peak of the miserable symptoms, I was doing a Healing Code addressing poor boundaries. Literally in the middle of doing that Healing Code, all my symptoms vanished suddenly and completely.

It was astonishing, but on one level it made sense. The immune system is all about boundaries: the body says, “This is mine, this is not mine.” I was working on a boundary issue. Apparently that Healing Code healed that particular memory I was working on, and apparently that memory was the source of my succumbing to that particular virus.

That experience, however, was not the norm. Read More→

Recently I wrote about the unfortunate accident I had, in which I hurt my foot.

I was in great pain and uncertain of what whether I would need surgery, or to be in a cast and on crutches, when I wrote. All I knew was I had broken my bone in two places, “a complicated break,” the doctor who did the X-ray said.

That didn’t sound good to me. Though I feared the worst (surgery and extended recovery, a cast and crutches), I prayed and hoped for the best. I chose faith. I chose to focus on the good things that had also happened that week.

On Monday I found out the answer to both the uncertainty and the pain.

The pain was from the doctor at Immediate Care, where I got the X-ray done on Saturday. She should not have put my foot in a splint or Ace bandage. That was causing the excruciating pain, more pain than I’d ever felt (except probably childbirth—you really do forget that).

The minute the orthopedic surgeon removed the splint and bandage on Monday, my pain went from an 8 to a 3.

This doctor looked at my X-rays and foot and said a boot would be fine, and that I could bear weight on it even. Don’t need crutches or the walker!

To me it felt like a miracle. What I had prayed for and hoped for had happened. I would still need to slow down, still need to take good care of myself, still need to allow myself time to heal. But it was doable this way. I sensed I had lessons to learn, and that God had allowed just enough pain to get my attention and point out the lessons.

I share all this because so many of us are still living in pain and uncertainty of one kind or another. This global pandemic has not ended. We are in change and uncertainty for the long haul. Read More→

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This week for me was full of both personal challenge and celebration, and it struck me that it’s a microcosm of how this whole year has been for most of us, if not all of us.

(And, I can imagine, with the recent presidential debate, death of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, the US President and his wife testing positive for COVID, California wildfires still raging, that we are all still dealing with a massive case of Emotional Inflammation.)

My challenge came when I missed a stair step and landed on my foot. Yes—ouch!

This happened to be a super-busy week for me, full of client calls and other responsibilities. I slowed down as best I could but it wasn’t enough. Had to cancel and rearrange a few things.

Now I have yet another “new normal” to figure out. As I write this, I’m in limbo as to what exactly is wrong with my foot, what recovery will involve, how long I will have to adapt to a whole new lifestyle.

It’s yet another manifestation of these intense times, where all of us are dealing with what one writer called “ambiguous loss”: “any loss that’s unclear and lacks a resolution.”

The pandemic has handed all of us a loss of a way of life. And now, my personal way of life is suddenly changed, as I hobble about on crutches. “Our new normal is always feeling a little off balance, like trying to stand in a dinghy on rough seas, and not knowing when the storm will pass,” writes Tara Haelle in Your Surge Capacity is Depleted—It’s Why You Feel So Awful.

Or in my case, trying to stand in a dingy on crutches on a rough sea, not knowing when the storm will pass! Read More→

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