Archive for childhood emotional neglect

May
18

Mitigate a Key Factor of Disease

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One thing that happens when your focus is living Aligned with your Divine Design is you often get “messages” that seem tailored to you. It’s just what you needed to hear, and often, for emphasis, you may hear the same type of message or information several times within a few days.

One message that has come up for me again and again in the last few days is: the importance of not suppressing emotions.

One source was the book, When the Body Says No by Gabor Maté, M.D. He shows how many diseases have their roots in suppressed emotions. One study that struck me was about lung cancer. Smoking in itself wasn’t as much of a risk factor as smoking along with habitual suppression of emotions, especially anger.

“Heart issues” + lifestyle are the two co-factors that determine your health.

man wearing black shir t

Photo by Antonino Visalli

You’ve heard plenty about lifestyle, and it’s certainly important for staying healthy. But as Gabor Maté has found, it is not the only key factor.

Heart issues must be dealt with, if you want to heal. That is my unequivocal opinion. Difficult feelings need to be felt and processed.

A recent study, published in the journal NeuroImage: Clinical, co-authored by Farb and Segal, along with Ph.D. student Philip Desormeau, found that “suppressing or blocking out physical sensations related to emotions such as sadness can hinder recovery from depression symptoms and may cause a relapse into depression.”

And, the study found, we have to feel the emotions in the body: “blocking out sensation is related to a greater risk of depressive relapse. . . . Our research explains why working to keep feeling is so important. It lays the groundwork for seeing that emotional stress actually robs us of sensation—and to undo stress, one must counter this inhibitory effect.”

I find it fascinating that in the Bible, more than one-third of the book of Psalms are “Psalms of lament”–more than any other category of psalms. Clearly, Aligned Living includes examples of how to express a full range of feelings, including such “negative” feelings as anger, despair, sorrow, revenge and hatred. (The Maker knows how we are made and what we need to stay healthy!)

If you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect, or had any other kind of Adverse Childhood Events such as death, divorce, neglect or other traumas, you are much more likely to suffer from a variety of chronic diseases and behavioral challenges, including obesity, autoimmune disease, depression and alcoholism. The greater the number of ACEs, the greater the risk for negative outcomes, according to the famous ACEs study.

However, the very good news is that you can heal these things. The traumas live in your body as cellular memories, and these have a negative frequency, and The Healing Codes address all that and neutralize or even change them to positive.

a woman sits alone against a wall holding her head

Photo by Tammy Gann

The first step is to allow yourself to identify and feel the negative emotions. You might want to turn to some of the Psalms of Lament as examples of how emotions can be expressed in the presence of God.

I have also written several articles on how to process your emotions. If this is something you struggle with, check out any of these articles to get started–especially the first three.

Another benefit of processing negative emotions is that you increase your capacity to feel all emotions, including the positive ones!

I vividly remember the day I was talking to my mother on our weekly calls in which I’d give her a custom Healing Code. She had always told me she “couldn’t remember” her childhood, and that she had no positive memories from childhood.

After she’d been doing my custom Healing Codes for maybe a couple of years by then, and that one day she started telling me all about how, when she was a child, the family used to go to her uncle’s farm and have the greatest time.

I stopped her and said, “MOM! Do you realize this is the first happy childhood memory you’ve ever told me?’’

She said in a surprised voice, “Really?” and then nonchalantly went on to recount more happy childhood memories.

That’s the power of healing heart issues.

And if you want to heal your heart issues and align with YOUR Divine Design, check out my program and fill out a Clarity Questionnaire.

I was speaking to a client the other day, and she brought up the question of past lives.

I wrote about that, here. I do not believe in past lives, but I do think that it’s possible that people can access generational memories, which I believe are stored in the information energy pattern in the DNA that gets passed down.

There is more and more scientific knowledge to back this up. My favorite experiment is about how mice exposed to cherry blossom scent while being shocked passed down the fear to subsequent generations. You can read about that from any of the articles here.

So some of our stuff may not even be ours, or it wasn’t ours originally, but because we were born with the “filter” of that passed-down trauma, we might start to interpret our own experiences through that lens. Thus the issue then becomes our own. And that may be why the generations rarely evolve and get better; they more usually devolve from the accumulation of sins and these negative patterns and “programming.”

Unless someone breaks the pattern.

That someone can be you.

If you have a background that is less than ideal in any way (who doesn’t?), remember you can break the cycle. You always have the ability to choose. You can break free from any negative family pattern and create a whole new pattern.

You do that by healing yourself.

How do I know this to be true? Because my life proves it.

I didn’t know, until I went through the 17-month ordeal of attempting to settle my mother’s estate as co-executor, just how negative and damaging the family patterns were. Oh, I could see how the patterns have shown up in my siblings’ families, but I escaped it, right? I employed what one of my counselors called “the geographic solution”–I moved away 1000 miles right after college, and rarely looked back.

I made different choices in life than my siblings and my parents. And I have managed, by God’s grace (I do not say that lightly at all), to have stayed married to a wonderful man for 42 years; reared two children who are leading productive lives (despite what they inherited from their parents—more on that later); and enjoyed a wonderful, interesting and productive career.

Settling the estate, however, brought me face to face with what has not yet healed.

I am so very thankful that, before my mother died in November 2020, I had already developed additional tools, beyond The Healing Codes, that helped me not only stay relatively healthy despite the stress, but to also recognize and heal the hidden wounds that were uncovered.

And, beyond healing, to transform and become aligned with my divine design. To have an inner knowing that I am on the right path for me, and a peace that as I walk Next Clear Step by Next Clear Step, exactly the right things will unfold for me to live out my unique purpose in life.

If this stirs something in your soul . . . if you long to heal from past patterns and align with your divine design so that you can also experience that sense of peace, purpose, and fulfillment, I invite you to check out my new Align with Your Divine Design program and fill out a Clarity Questionnaire. Then we’ll hop on a call to see if either of these programs is a fit.

Next time, I’ll show you how to pass on your healing to others. It starts with you committing to your own healing and transformation.

Nov
19

Turkey or Brisket? (Why It Matters)

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My client, M.H., told me a rather funny story about her family’s Thanksgiving (and gave me permission to share it). Yet it had a point that can apply to many of us, in one way or another.

All her life, M.’s mother made a turkey for Thanksgiving. Her mom loved turkey, and it’s the thing to do on Thanksgiving, right?

When mom entered assisted living and could no longer cook and host, M’s sister took over. She made the usual turkey, but also brisket, because they all loved brisket.

That year, no one ate the turkey. They realized mom was the only one that had ever liked turkey! M’s sister was furious, declaring, “I’m never cooking a turkey again!”

And so this family now happily celebrates Thanksgiving with brisket and other favorite foods. No more turkey!

What strikes me is that the mom never asked the others if they like turkey, and no one thought of speaking up. Isn’t this so typical of the way many of us do things? We go along with some tradition, never even taking a moment to tune in to our own desires and making our wishes known. We “eat the turkey” even though we hate it.

That’s OK for one day a year, but what if we’re living our whole lives that way? Those who grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect, in which their emotions were ignored or even denigrated, often grew up “going along,” doing all the right things but feeling empty inside. Growing up with any kind of outright abuse can have the same effect.

If this is you, I’m here to tell you there’s more. And that you can have more, be more. If that nagging emptiness dogs you, that can be healed.

First you have to realize you’ve been living “eating the turkey rather than the brisket” you desire. Then, I invite you to check out my new program, Align with Your Divine DesignTM and fill out a Clarity Questionnaire. We’ll hop on a call to see how you can make sure every year you can happily “eat brisket not turkey” with others who feel the same way.

Oct
22

“That Doesn’t Work for Me . . .”

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Have you ever read (or heard) something that sounded like great wisdom, great advice . . .

and you try it and it doesn’t work for you?

Then you think, There must be something wrong with me.

I just read some advice about how to feel better when you’re feeling down. The writer called her sponsor and said she was upset about something. The sponsor told her, ‘Get over yourself and go find someone to help.”

The person took the advice, and felt better, she said.

Maybe this works for some people, like her. But for me, as a Highly Sensitive Person who also grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), it’s all wrong. (If you’re not sure if these apply to you, take the free assessments here.)

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Mar
12

How (and Why) to Process Your Feelings

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This past week dealt me several shocks, so this weekend I’ll be taking time to process the many emotions that came up.

When my therapist asked me what I was feeling about all that had happened, I mentioned a whole range of emotions, from outrage and shock to relief and gratitude, and more in between.

“That’s a lot of different emotions for your body to process,” she observed. “Each of them is producing different chemicals in your body. You need to make sure you take time over the next few days to intentionally process each of them.” She warned that if I don’t, it could affect my health in a big way.

This of course I knew, from personal experience and working with hundreds of clients on their “heart issues.” Emotions must be processed, because emotions are “energy in motion.” If that energy isn’t processed and healed, it will go into the body and cause havoc.

Still, I needed the reminder to actually take time to process it all.

Years ago, in prayer, these words came to me: “You have to heal it so we (God and I) can heal it.”

However, if you’ve grown up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), you may have no idea how to process an emotion. I’ve learned that while The Healing Codes are great at healing negative emotions, the processing work must come before you actually can heal any negative effects of uncomfortable feelings.

Providentially, this week in a class I was taking, I got a great refresher on how to process an emotion. So I thought I’d pass it on, in case you too can use a little help in this area. Read More→

Jul
18

The Big Shift that Heals

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“Is life happening TO you or FOR you?”

When this question was posed to me, it stopped me dead in my tracks.

I had been trying to process the events of the past five years. They were a rough five years, and the recent “emotional inflammation” of world events and some new personal challenges had triggered still unprocessed issues.  It felt important to revisit the traumas of the past several years from the perspective of this question.

CC BY by uriba

It all started in 2015, with a dental crisis. Then my husband was forcibly retired, and the family lost our medical insurance, not to mention his income. We had to fight his employer to get unemployment insurance.

My son was also laid off at the same time. My husband’s sister, Connie, got cancer and was put on hospice. My husband became her Power of Attorney, and we discovered Connie’s caregiver had been stealing money from her. What was especially painful is the caregiver saw to it that the money Connie was going to send my daughter for her college education was taken, and it was uncertain how my daughter was going to finish college. Read More→

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Jun
25

Reframing Trauma

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I was talking with a client the other day and we were marveling at how far she has come in her healing work.

This client, whom I’ll call Debbie, has overcome severe childhood abuse, both physical and emotional, dealt to her practically since birth. What is so amazing is how well she can hear from God now, given that she actually had brain injury. And that hearing from God, plus her commitment to faithfully do The Healing Codes, is leading to much healing.

It occurred to me that it’s quite possible that her extraordinary spiritual attunement might have come, not despite the abuse, but because of the abuse. That God used the very changes in her brain caused by the abuse for his own good purposes. Sort of like how an ugly caterpillar gets transformed into a beautiful butterfly–after falling completely apart in the chrysalis first.

I can’t prove that’s true, but it’s in line with what I’ve experienced in my life and seen in the lives of others: God can take something harmful, and turn it around to accomplish something good. As I wrote about recently, God’s way is to find any small positive thing, and increase it until it overcomes the negative.

It’s also in line with many stories in Scripture. My favorite one is the story of Joseph from Genesis 37-48. At age 17, Joseph (whose name, by the way, means “increase”) was the youngest of 11 brothers–and also his father’s favorite. Out of jealousy, his brothers sold him into slavery and told their father that he was killed by wild animals.

Joseph went through all kinds of trials in Egypt, through no fault of his own. In fact, several times, things got worse for him because he did the right thing. But ultimately his fortune turned around and he ended up being second in command to Pharaoh in Egypt. When a famine drove the brothers to go to Egypt to buy grain, they met Joseph but did not recognize him. You can sense that Joseph wrestled with making his brothers pay for what they did to him, but in the end, he forgave him and reconciled with them.

Joseph’s turnaround came when he saw God’s big picture: that it was because they had sold him into slavery that the family survived the famine. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives,” he told them.

In my own life, I have pondered how God has used some of my traumas to bring me to the point I am now. Read More→

Dec
21

Gifts from My Mentors

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From Thanksgiving to Christmas, I like to acknowledge the people who have enriched my life during the past year.

This includes, of course, my personal friends and colleagues. But you don’t know them. You can know and benefit from some of my “virtual mentors,” and those are the ones I want to tell you about.

As I reflected on those whose work has enriched either my spirit, soul, mind or body through sharing their expertise, several people came to mind.

Spirit. The most influential–and healing–approach I have ever come across is the Immanuel Approach, developed by Dr. Karl Lehman, a psychiatrist and the author of Outsmarting Yourself and The Immanuel Approach (which we Immanuel Prayer ministers, and he, refer to as “the big lion book” because it’s exhaustive at 759 pages!). From Outsmarting Yourself, I learned about “implicit memory” and how we get triggered, and how to calm body and mind. Dr. Karl Lehman’s work is all about how to let God come in and be with you in the pain, and thus heal it.

I was trained by Margaret Webb and Jessie Handy from Alive and Well in Immanuel Prayer, and continued with training from Dr. Karl Lehman through his Advanced Training seminar and meetings in which local prayer ministers gathered to watch and discuss a video of Dr. Lehman facilitating someone in Immanuel Approach. I also meet regularly with other prayer ministers to give and receive Immanuel Prayer.

Now I run group sessions I call Immanuel Connections, in which we meet once a month to connect with Immanuel and allow him to show us what lies we are believing, and what the truth is, among other things. These are very powerful sessions! I invite you to sign up below to download information on how it works, and receive an invitation to the next call as my guest.

Read More→

May
09

Pivotal Memories

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People often ask me what kinds of memories to start with to get the fastest, deepest healing. 

I always look for the “fractal memories”–those memories in which the core beliefs/feelings will repeat themselves and branch out to affect your life in all kinds of ways afterward. Heal these, and the ripple effects of healing begin effortlessly  to penetrate into all the areas of life affected by that memory.

In another post I talked about foundational memories. They are one kind of important fractal memory.

Another kind of fractal memory is what I call a pivotal memory. This would be a memory, usually conscious, that changed the course of your life. Something happened and you came to believe something about yourself that forever after influenced your life. Such memories can form your identity–for better or worse.

On the “better side,” pivotal memories can be quite positive. One important pivotal memory that shaped my entire future happened in college, when I fell in love with publishing. I was always a bibliophile and a writer, and the field fascinated me, so I decided I would major in English, but not teach. I would make a career in publishing.

Everyone told me, “It’s practically impossible to break into publishing.” Especially since I didn’t know anyone, even by the time I was a senior in college. Also, this was at a time when people with PhDs in English were driving taxi cabs.  Read More→

May
02

The Most Important Memories to Heal

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I had visited this memory many times.

I thought I’d healed it, but it keeps popping up.

Each time, I realize there’s some new aspect of it that’s being healed.

There are several memories like this that pop up again and again to heal.

When such a memory is a very early childhood memory, I tend to think of it as foundational. These memories lay the foundation upon which so much of the rest of our life is built.

A foundational memory is like the initial fractal pattern that gets iterated in different ways as we progress through life. (Fractals are patterns that are programmed to “repeat themselves similarly.”)

The difficult thing is such foundational or fractal memories can be very hard to access. They are often buried in the subconscious mind. Sometimes they’re the results of what you didn’t get–the lack of nurturing that’s thought of as Type A Trauma or Childhood Emotional Neglect, which is every bit as damaging as more obvious abuse.

Foundational/fractal memories can also be generational. We now know, from numerous studies, that traumas in one generation can be passed down to the next. For instance,  the babies of mice who were exposed to the scent of cherry blossoms and then given a shock, will show a stress response in the presence of cherry blossom scent–even though the babies themselves were never shocked.

How can this be? No one knows for sure yet. My theory is that the memory gets encoded in some kind of “informational energy pattern” in the cells itself, and is passed down through the DNA.
Read More→

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