Archive for healing codes coaching

My mother left this earth on November 19, 2020. Marie Boos Filakovsky was 88.

There is grief. It’s showing up as lethargy, insomnia, fatigue, and sadness. I am always amazed at how strong the mother-daughter bond is.

Mom and I had a complicated relationship. The product of Childhood Emotional Neglect herself, she passed that on. She married a good man, my father, and lived out the 1950s script of a good Catholic girl, wife, and mother.

Mom and me, Aug. 2017

I never knew who she really was.

Until she was 78.

That’s when I started giving her custom Healing Codes. And I watched her change.

The changes in my mother solidified for me the power of The Healing Codes.

I can still remember the day she asked me how I was doing—and meant it. Before that, our weekly calls were mostly about her. It didn’t feel like she really was interested in me. Until that day.

From then on, she opened her heart more and more. I discovered to my astonishment that she had a tender, sensitive heart. For most of her life, she had hidden it under layers of socialization. Once she said to me, “You are giving me what I should have given you,” i.e. emotional support.

Then she had a stroke. And a second one, in 2017. After that, communication was very difficult. In a way, I lost the mother I’d just found.

A few weeks ago she was put on palliative care, and it was really difficult not to go out there. But with COVID-19, I just couldn’t risk flying out, for her sake and mine. I was told that it was too taxing for her to talk on the phone.

It was so hard, being cut off from her in her last days.

Yet I have trained myself to expect Grace in the midst of difficulties, and this week it was there. My sister-in-law, Mary, sensed on Thursday that the end might be near. (Thankfully, Mom was at home still.) Mary called me and I was able to talk to Mom and pray for her. She gave a strong “Amen!” at the end and squeezed Mary’s hand. She also got to talk to my youngest brother, also out of state, in a video call.

And a few hours later, she was gone. But I know where she is, and that provides much comfort. Perhaps when I spoke with her and reminded her where she was going, it encouraged her to let go. I don’t know.

Another Grace: God had led me to a Grief Recovery Specialist a couple of months ago (more on that soon), and I did grief recovery work concerning my relationship with my mother. (Yes, you can do it on any relationship, whether the person is alive or not.) The goal of this work is coming to a sense of completion concerning the relationship. I was definitely felt more complete and able to say good-bye as of result of this work.

Other Graces were there this week, totally unexpected, that I know came from God because they began to build relationships that had been strained. God is in the relationship-building business!

The support of my friends also was a Grace. Grace in the midst of Grief.

Which leads to Gratitude. Gratitude does so much to temper Grief, as well as a host of other difficult feelings. Grace and Gratitude balance the scales, even tipping them to the positive.

Grace and Gratitude also lay the foundation for something else: Grit. By Grit I mean the capacity to Stay.With.It.No.Matter.What.

So here we all are, nine months into a global pandemic which seems to be getting worse in many areas. I doubt there’s anyone who isn’t experiencing Grief over one kind of loss or another.

The only way I know to get through is to look for the Graces, and give Gratitude. Then, you grab ahold of Grit.

As I write this, we are about to celebrate Thanksgiving in the U.S. It will be different this year for many of us. I await my adult children’s COVID test results before daring to invite a couple of friends to join us. So much is uncertain as we all look ahead.

It is Grace, Gratitude and Grit that will get us through.

I encourage you to look for the Graces that I’m sure have been there this past year. Noticing the Grace produces that shift in perspective that is a miracle.

Express Gratitude—to God, to others, to yourself. Not only this Thanksgiving holiday, but often, if not daily. (This is why I keep a Gifts Journal.)

And then, embrace Grit. We will need it.

Grit is itself a Grace. And so the cycle continues. . . .

If you feel you need some support from someone who cares and can help you with grief or another other issue, check out my packages at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

 

What is your earliest memory? It may hold the key to the identity you have built for yourself (which perhaps you may want to amend).

My earliest memory is from when I was around 3 years old, and my family was visiting my grandparents. My grandmother asked me kindly, “How are you, Diane?” To which I replied, “My name isn’t Diane. I’m The Lone Ranger!”

I don’t know where that came from. Perhaps when I was hospitalized for the first 6 weeks of my life and operated on for an abdominal obstruction, my little heart came to believe that I had to go it alone in the world. Then, when I watched The Lone Ranger show, that whole “save the world by being different, by fighting for the right thing, by doing/seeing things your own way” took hold.

(I recently watched this program on Youtube. I couldn’t get through more than two.)

Somehow the “Lone Ranger” icon stayed in the culture, and with my subconscious mind for a long time. Growing up, I didn’t have much support for being who I was. I was truly a Lone Ranger, but one who figured out how to get what I need and learn what I need to know. Without any help from anyone (because then, it just wasn’t there).

The approach served me well. Or so I thought.

Until …  It didn’t.

When you go through multiple crises one right after another, you will either fold under it or you will realize being a Lone Ranger, in terms of going it alone, does not work. You reach out for help–from God, and from other people.

Some of us learned as children that if you reach out, help will not be there. Yet if we have the courage as adults to question that belief, and to choose a different way, we can find that the support is there.

Even the Lone Ranger had Tonto.

In the past two weeks, I’ve been hit with a number of big, personal challenges from a number of directions–which only got worse. When I texted my friend that I had just finished a crying jag in the bathroom, she empathized and listed in a text all the things going on for me personally, and added, “Oh, did I mention the mental drain of politics and a pandemic? That you aren’t curled up in bed is a BIG win.”’

I tell you about such things not to make you feel sorry for me, but to let you know that if you’re going through a tough time yourself (and who isn’t these days?), you’re not alone. There are ways to find strength. I will share some of mine.

At the end of last week, right in the midst of the personal challenges, I attended a most amazing (virtual) retreat time that clarified my vision as to the legacy I’m called to leave, what I have to let go of to fulfill that, and what kinds of support God has graciously provided along the way.

My friend who validated my experience and pointed out the “big win” was one huge support. A couple of other close friends said pretty much the same thing. What a wonderful thing to have friends who can validate your feelings and spur you on!

It’s a strange thing about support. Whereas not too long ago I felt alone and overwhelmed, totally unsupported, now I am aware of so much support. What made the change? Was it me? Has that support been there all along?

I believe it’s mostly me. The changes inside me, the healing that has occurred, opened me up to both asking for and receiving support. I just hadn’t looked for it, or been open to receiving it. I was fully entrenched in what I’ve heard called Capable Woman Syndrome.

Also, as I healed (over lots of time), I slowly attracted more people who knew how to be supportive. I was no longer willing to put up with relationships that were exploitative, manipulative, or just plain unhealthy.

By being willing to be vulnerable and share what’s really going on with me with trustworthy friends, I got different perspectives on my situations. I reached out to friends and family, to my attorney, to a couple of therapists, my grief recovery specialist, and support groups. Each gave me a perspective on what was going on. They helped me face some harsh realities, but also pointed out some of the things they saw in me that encouraged me that I can get through all this.

Then, taking all their input through the filter of prayer, I became clearer on both what was true and what I need to do and–just as important–not do. Sometimes you have to let go to let in. I was able to see the bright spots of grace in the darkness (and there were several).

I was able to get curious about what good might come out of some very bad situations, trusting that indeed, God is able to bring good out of anything. (Remember, curiosity runs on the same brain circuits as fear/anxiety, so you can’t feel curiosity and fear at the same time.)

In fact, in my most recent Immanuel Prayer session, I got the message, “In curiosity and trust is peace.”

Curiosity, trust—and support. Oh what a difference these can make!

If you feel you need some support from someone who cares and can help you with the transformation you seek, check out my packages at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

 

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A week ago I learned something fascinating about the brain, and have been experimenting with the practical aspects of it ever since.

The results are amazing.

(If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know I’m an inveterate learner, and I love to pass on to you what I’m learning in a way that will enhance your life and your healing somehow.)

What I learned, from Dr. Jim Wilder, a neuroscientist: Fear and curiosity run on the same brain circuit.

So what, you say?

So what is this: Since these two emotions run on the same brain circuit, you cannot experience fear/anxiety and curiosity at the same time.

Soooo, when you feel fearful/have a fearful thought, if you catch yourself and switch to curiosity—poof, the fear is gone!

I have been trying this myself. There is a certain ongoing situation in my life that triggers feeling threatened and fearful. I have actually been praying about how to quit feeling fearful. This is my answer.

Now when the trigger happens, instead of the usual, “What does this mean? What will this require of me? How can I cope with that too?” . . .

I switch to: “I wonder what prompted that person to say/do/think that? I wonder why it triggers me so much?” (This “why does it trigger me so?” is a question you can ask yourself to find out what underlying memories might be making the current situation worse. Then, of course, you address those memories with a Healing Code. In this situation,I actually know why I get triggered, and have worked on healing that. But the ongoing situation still has to be dealt with, and asking the first question helps that.)

Another way to engage in curiosity is to use the “I wonder what would happen if …?” formula.

“I wonder what would happen if instead of defending myself, I apologized?”

“I wonder what would happen if I prayed for that person/situation?”

“I wonder what would happen if I did (or said) nothing this time?”

“I wonder what would happen if I reacted in the exact opposite way as I feel like reacting?”

(I wonder what will happen if YOU try some of these things. Let me know!)

Switching to curiosity really does work. Not only does it take you out of the fear vibration, but it moves you into a much higher vibration of possibility, discovery, even joy. There is a great expansiveness and openness about curiosity.

I am finding new solutions to problems when I switch from fear/overwhelm/anxiety to curiosity. It’s been fun, amazing, and—I highly recommend it!

Try it, and let me know what happens by adding a comment. Sharing our stories encourages others and also opens up all of us to new possibilities.

And if you would like personalized help with healing the blocks to curiosity and expansiveness, I’m just a few clicks away at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

The 3 C’s of Healing

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Ever since I embarked on this healing journey, for myself and others, I have been fascinated, perhaps even obsessed, with what makes people heal (and, conversely, what prevents healing).

Since many of my clients are making great progress, I have been studying what they are doing. Are there any key ingredients to their healing that caused major transformation in just a few short weeks?

Turns out there are. I have boiled it down to 3 C’s: Courage, Compassion, and Commitment. Read More→

Why Healing Your Heart Matters

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You don’t need me to tell you that we live in very troubling times. It’s all around us, and we can’t escape it. Political polarization, uncertainty, job loss, the pandemic, social media nastiness (which I avoid totally), natural disasters, racial injustice, violence. Even if you limit your news intake, as I do, you still can’t avoid the negative energy all around.

For some of us, especially if we have the trait of High Sensitivity, the energy is palpable; we may even feel it physically.

Authors Dr. Lise Van Susteren and Stacey Colino wrote a book about it, calling it Emotional Inflammation. It’s a state “not unlike post-traumatic stress disorder, but one that stems from simply living in today’s tumultuous world.”

Some symptoms include sleep problems, hyperactivity, persistent grief, or inescapable worry about the future.

In such a climate as ours now, we need to be especially intentional about our own healing. Because healing the heart matters. Read More→

This week we had to face that fact that our beloved big black cat, Joey, the last of our pets, was too sick to treat, and had to put him down.

This is the first time in 20 years I have been petless, and I can hardly stand it. So I’ve been looking at descriptions of adoptable cats in local animal shelters.

This description struck of one particular cat struck me, and I’ll tell you why after you read it:

“Buddy is a 4 year old Superhero that possess abilities beyond those of ordinary cats. He can use his purr-powers to help your home become a better place. He wears his black & white logo with pride. He has other powers too, which include winning every race to the food bowl, out weighing most of his lap-cat competitors at 17.5 lbs, and able to make you love him in a single leap of faith! Buddy recently experienced a major life change when his beloved human was transferred to a senior home. Because he was so loved and cared for, he has bounced back like Superheroes do, and is ready to save a new human with his unconditional love.”

That last line struck me: “Because he was so loved and cared for, he has bounced back. . . .”

That is what love does, for humans and animals: it makes us resilient, even in the face of loss. I feel drawn to Buddy; maybe he’ll be our next cat? Already he’s given me a lesson in resilience.

Coaching question: How can you draw on the love you have received in your most important positive relationships to help you “bounce back,” especially during these exceptional times? How can you offer love to another to help them become more resilient?

If you would like help healing your heart issues and opening up to love and be loved, check out my coaching at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

I was talking to a friend for the first time since this global shutdown came upon us.

“How are you doing?” she asked.

I answered, “Well, you know . . . it’s up and it’s down, good days and bad days, and today is not such a good day. The roller coaster ride of now.”

She repeated my sentence word for word, laughed, and said, “You have just nailed it.”

Up and down . . . good days and not so good days . . . the roller coaster ride of now.

And—the thing is—it doesn’t seem to matter what’s really going on.

For instance, a lot of great things are happening in my personal life right now. And in my clients’ lives. (Stay tuned, I have some real miracles to report!) I am focused on the positive, especially after last week’s revelation about how God searches out the positives and expands them. I am genuinely excited about coming into that space with him and allowing him to do that in my life, my relationships, my work.

And yet . . . yet the angst of the world’s suffering still seems to break in, even when I don’t watch the news much. It’s probably a factor in why I’m still easily triggered, like I was on Mother’s Day.

That Sunday held many wonderful things: my son and husband fixed something for me that delighted me, we had a nice meal with my son, the dog was here to play with.

However, a conversation with a relative had triggered me, and I just couldn’t get over it. I tried as best I could to focus on the positives, which did keep me from externally reacting. No one knew how lousy I felt inside.

The heaviness persisted until the next day, when I had that conversation with my friend. Somehow having her say she felt the same way, and knowing she really understood, lifted things a bit for me. Of course I worked on what was triggered with The Healing Codes and healing prayer, and that helped too.

In the end, though, I just had to go through it. Once I realized it was grief that was triggered, I just had to let those waves of grief roll over me, without fighting it.

The next day was better. And the day after that—well, the roller coaster ride continued, another wave rolled over, to mix my metaphors.

(Since it’s a mixed-up time anyway, it feels appropriate to mix my metaphors!)

So my friend, if this describes your journey as you attempt to slog through this unprecedented time, you are not alone. Someone said, “We are all in the same storm, but not in the same boat.”

It’s good to remember we’re not in the same boat. We all have our own “boats” to navigate, and it’s OK to realize that’s our first responsibility, to make sure our own boats stay afloat.

CC BY-ND by David McDonald45

It’s also good to realize that everyone is on overload right now, to one degree or another. We are all navigating this weird mix of constant change and uncertainty, while at the same time, sheltering at home for so long, everything is somewhat the same day to day. Too many of the events we looked forward to, too many of the everyday things that provided a break in our days (like seeing friends, or attending church or–getting our hair done!)–these are no longer possible until who knows when.

Seems like a stressful mix. A grief-filled mix. And the stress and grief spill out from everyone.

Many of us, especially the Highly Sensitive, are prone to taking on some of this negative energy that is projected out from other people (and is stoked constantly by the news media). One author calls it Emotional Inflammation: “a state not unlike post-traumatic stress disorder, but one that stems from simply living in today’s tumultuous world.”

If this feels like you, I have a visualization that was given to me in an Immanuel Prayer session some time ago. It has proven useful to me, and may be to you.

The visualization is simple: picture that your heart is actually a hole, open in front and back. You might even want to put your hands like so in front of your chest, to make it more conscious.

CC BY-NC-ND by Strep72

In my original vision, Jesus was behind me, like the catcher behind the mound as I was “up to bat.” Whatever came at me went straight through this heart hole, and Jesus caught it. Then he took care of it.

Some of the things he just threw away. Some of the things he tossed back to someone else. Sometimes he would give it back to me, saying, “This is something for you to deal with,” such as forgiving another person. And the rest—well, he knew what to do with it. I could leave it in his hands.

Now, especially in the mornings, I feel like a lot is coming at me. I suspect much of what I feel on any given down day is probably not even mine. I consciously open up my heart space, front and back, and picture God behind me, catching whatever it is and taking care of it. This helps me with the sense of heaviness I often wake up with these days, as if during sleep the unhealed energy of those I’ve been exposed to has settled upon me. Now at night I pray that this process of energy passing through me to God would happen during sleep, and it has helped me wake up feeling more refreshed.

Hearing bad news troubles me. I can’t help it; I’m a Highly Sensitive empath. When I learned that an 18-year-old autistic girl from our area went missing as she walked her dog in a flooded area, I immediately felt the anguish of her family. I had to let that pass through me with the prayer: “through me to you, Lord. Take care of everything.”

CC BY-NC by Pat McDonald

As you ride the waves of this storm that’s engulfing the world, those waves will take you up and down. Remember that you are not alone. We are all riding the waves. If you’re have a not-so-good day, it’s OK. Your feelings are valid, they are shared, and you can let them pass through you. The feelings are like the weather; they will change. Good feelings, bad feelings, both kinds will pass as we let them wash through us.

 

And for those feelings that are not even ours, that spill over onto our boat and threaten to sink us—let those pass through your heart space to the Lord. He is quite capable of taking care of all of it.

That belief is my anchor. I hope it can be yours, too.

If you would like personalized help in navigating your “boat” through these turbulent times, I’m just a few clicks away at HealingCodesCoaching.com. I’d love to come alongside you as your healing journey mentor.

How to Fully Process a Feeling

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Do you know how to fully process your emotions?

I sure didn’t, for most of my life.  I grew up in a family where emotions were never talked about. (I now know it’s called Childhood Emotional Neglect.) Sometimes people were angry or sad (hardly anything else), but I never saw anyone work through any of it, not even when something really tragic happened. I got the sense that feelings were a great inconvenience to other people. So I just stuffed them.

Making things worse, for me, was that I was born with the trait of High Sensitivity Processing, shared by 15-20% of the population. One of the four main aspects of the trait is “emotional responsiveness.” As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I was literally wired to be emotional. Yet it was a language that wasn’t spoken. No wonder I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere!

It wasn’t until I met April, in my twenties, that I got a clue that emotions might actually be useful. April was the first truly emotionally healthy person I had ever met up to that point. 

I got to know April really well from being in a small group at my church with her and her husband Bob, among others, for many years. She would regularly ask, “How do you feel about that?” or “How are you really?” And you knew she really cared, so you opened up to her. No surprise that she went on to become a licensed social worker, and a very successful therapist.

I recently saw April, and she spoke openly about what it’s been like to grieve the loss of her wonderful husband, Bob, with whom she had been in love since they were both 13. Bob was very special to my husband and me, as well.

Talking to April again, seeing how thoroughly she was processing her grief, reminded me how important it is to know how to feel and work through emotions so that they are fully processed. I hope what follows will help you in your own healing work. Read More→

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Do you believe a lie?

Of course you do. We all do. We all believe many lies.

And every lie we believe is the source of an issue in our lives.

According to the account in the first book of the Bible, Genesis 3, the whole world is under a curse because our first parents, Adam and Eve, believed a lie. They believed the serpent’s lie that God was holding back from them by not allowing them to eat from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

This worldview says that we were never meant to know evil. We were only meant to enjoy the goodness of all the other trees of the Garden of Eden that God had given them “freely to enjoy.”

When Adam and Eve “fell” because they believed the serpent’s lie, all of creation was affected.

The human race has been living by lies ever since, which is why the world is not perfect. When we believe a lie, we are affected in every area of our being: body, soul, and spirit. Starting with spirit. 

God had said, “In the day that you eat of [the forbidden tree], you will die.” Adam and Eve did not die physically that day. They did die spiritually.

What did that look like? Read More→

Tonight I met with my first client from China to do a Coach-Guided Healing Code.

It got me to thinking about the hundreds of clients I’ve worked with over the past 9 years of being a certified Healing Codes Coach-Practitioner, and what I’ve learned and observed.

First, I have the most wonderful clients in the world. Surprisingly, the vast majority of my clients are also Highly Sensitive. It’s surprising only because Highly Sensitive People only make up around 20% of the population, yet they comprise at least 80% of my clients. Perhaps it’s because The Healing Codes are so attractive to HSPs. It is a gentle process that involves meditation–an approach well-suited to HSPs.

With only one exception (more on that below), all of my clients are remarkably motivated to heal. Many of them have had overwhelming obstacles to overcome–abuse of all kinds, tremendous health challenges, financial hardships, and difficult relationship issues.

Yet they are not giving up! They are not victims. And, because of their commitment to their own healing, they do overcome. Many have dramatic breakthroughs.

These clients bolster my faith in the human spirit. Most people do want to be healthy and happy. God put that desire into us, and I believe he works with us to bring that about. With that commitment and help from God, it’s amazing how much people can overcome.

The one exception? A client with ALS whose doctor brought him to me as a last resort. The doctor warned me that she had little hope of his recovering, and soon I learned why. The man was completely devoid of love for anyone, including himself. I think we got through two sessions. I doubt he ever did his custom codes. He died of his illness within a few weeks of when I talked to him. His doctor said she wasn’t surprised, but had hoped that something could break through to him. Without his commitment to himself, however, no help could get through. Read More→

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