Archive for healingcodescoaching.com

Oct
23

Escape the Deadly Trap of Comparison

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There’s a “harmful action” that I and nearly every client I work with easily fall into.

It wreaks havoc on our self-esteem, as well as social relationships. And it affects our health.

There are many forms of it, and it’s sneaky. For instance, because I didn’t fall prey to the more obvious forms, I thought it wasn’t a problem for me.

I was wrong.

What is this common, destructive trap?

It’s the trap of COMPARISON.

There’s a basic human need that drives this, which I will talk about in another post.

For now, I want to help you identify how this might be showing up in your life.

Telltale Feelings and Beliefs

Some of the feelings that point to this harmful action are shame and low self-esteem. The underlying beliefs are “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t measure up,” “there’s something wrong with me.”

We want to heal these feelings and unhealthy beliefs, but to do so we need to identify and address what you might (unconsciously) be doing on a daily basis that drives these feelings and beliefs.

That’s where comparison comes in. There’s something we’re doing that drives these feelings, the reinforces the unhealthy beliefs.

Let’s look at the main forms of comparison.

Comparing Yourself to Others

This form of comparison can be to other people who are “like me,” or “not like me.”

Perhaps growing up, your parents or other authority figures compared you to someone else.

  • “Why can’t you be organized like your sister?”
  • “Your brother was so athletic. You can hardly even throw a ball.”
  • “Why are you so sensitive? Nobody else is bothered by that.” (We Highly Sensitive People get this sort of thing a lot.)

Thus you learned to compare yourself to others, and felt you didn’t measure up.

I said comparison can be sneaky. Sometimes we can feel ashamed if we’re better in some way than others. “I wish my boys had your brains,” my father would tell me. I think his remark was more about his feelings about my brothers than me, but along with other messages from religion and the culture, I began to believe I needed to diminish my intelligence so as not to make anyone else feel bad.

You might also compare yourself to others who are like you, so you identify with them, but in some area you fall short. Thus, it can be all the more painful.

 

  • Everyone in your social group drives a nice car—except you.
  • Everyone in your social circle is married—except you. (Or vice versa.)
  • All your friends are retired and having a good time, and you still have to work.

You get the idea.

Social comparison is multiplied exponentially by social media. It’s so easy to end up comparing yourself to the image others portray. Keep in mind that social media is set up to fuel comparison and discontent.

Comparing Yourself to Others’ Expectations of You

Did you grow up in a family with high expectations? This isn’t necessarily bad, but if there’s any areas in which you fell short, you may feel ashamed and “not good enough.” You may have internalized unrealistic expectations of yourself, and constantly try to live up to them.

If you’re Highly Sensitive, an inborn trait approximately 20% of the population possesses, expectations may have been laid on you of being “like the other 80 percent.” Perfectionism is a very common struggle for HSPs as a result.

I remember vividly being given a vacation in Europe as a perk from my employer. One of the things we did was go to a discotheque in Germany. I was supposed to be having fun, but to a Highly Sensitive like me (I didn’t realize I was HS at the time), it was pure hell. The flashing lights, loud music, different language, constant movement, all added up to sensory overload that made me miserable. Adding to the misery, however, was the expectation that I was supposed to be having a wonderful time.

My mother wanted me to be very social and outgoing, and I was an introvert that needed alone time to recharge. One of the memories I’ve had to work on a lot was her oft-repeated admonition, “Get your nose out of that book and find someone to play with!” My interpretation: my love of books was invalid, and all that mattered was being social. Otherwise, I “had no personality” (another thing I was told).

(By the way, later in life, after my mother had been doing Healing Codes for a while, we had a wonderful talk about how I’d felt about these and other memories, and she was able to receive it. Her transformation was one of the things that cemented in my heart how powerful and valid The Healing Codes are.)

We are all prone to others’ expectations of us, because we’re social beings and we have a strong need to fit in. Yet this becomes a deadly trap where we lose our true selves to some “socialized” version that we’re trying to live up to. That adds enormous, though largely unconscious, stress to our systems.

I love this quote from poet e.e. cummings:

To be nobody-but-yourself — in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.”

Comparison to Yourself—Past or Future

This is another way comparison can be sneaky.

You may not realize you had an unconscious expectation that, say, by age 30 you should be married with two kids, or that by age 40 you should own a nice house, or that by age 60 you should have your house paid off, or that you would be able to retire by age 65. (Did you notice how many of these expectations are common cultural norms?)

Life rarely turns out the way we imagine it will. Imagining is one thing, expecting it of yourself is another.

Or perhaps you’re comparing yourself to some past version of yourself.

“I used to be able to _____; now I can’t.” Aging reveals this painful expectation of self.

So what do we do about all this destructive comparison?

Steps to Freedom from the Comparison Trap

1. Acknowledge it. Allow yourself to become aware of the ways comparison might be eating away at your joy.

2. Heal it. If you can, identify memories and/or relationships that may the be the source of this harmful action. Pinpoint the feelings and beliefs. Put all the feelings, beliefs, and “the harmful action of comparison,” into your Healing Code prayer of intention, and intentionally heal it.

3. Get in touch with what brings your true self joy. Use your power of choice to “flip the switch” and choose joy over meeting expectations. When doing a Healing Code, infuse the memories of those times when you were “true self,” to reinforce that joy and connection to the essence of who you really are.

4. Use comparison constructively. Is there something here I can adapt for myself? Do I need support to heal a heart wound? Do I want to create something entirely new that suits me better?

For instance, since I am in business for myself, it’s easy to compare myself to what other “successful” entrepreneurs are doing and wonder if I’m missing out. Should I get into Instagram? Do a Facebook Live? It’s working so well for So-and-So. . . .

When I check in with my True Self, with my Heart, I realize that connection with others is important to me, but I can do it in ways that are more suited to my temperament. While I’m open to new ideas, I need to pass them through my Heart Check to see if any match up with my divine design. Often I find I need to adapt it to the way I’m wired, or create something entirely new that achieves the result I want, in a way that suits me.

I hope this helps you begin the journey of escaping the deadly comparison trap. And of course, if you want more personalized help for your unique situation, check out my coaching at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

Oct
02

The Prayer God Always Answers

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There is a prayer I pray a lot, and have for years.

I believe it may be one of God’s favorite prayers to answer, because he always answers it.

Often in surprising ways.

Which also makes this a very fun prayer to pray. You never know how he will answer it.

So what’s the prayer?

God, shine your light into _____ [name the situation].

Elsewhere I have  invited you to pray a variation of this for the world:

God, shine your light into this dark world, to expose evil, reveal truth, and point the way to the path of peace.”

When I read (never watch) the news, I look for evidence of this prayer being answered. When I see answers (for instance, when evil is exposed or truth revealed), I rejoice. It gives me a different perspective on what’s going on, and reminds me that God is in control, not human beings.

In my personal life, I can point to many times when God answered this prayer.

Sometimes, when he shines the light, it is to expose evil. We don’t always get a hoped-for answer, as in things working out the way we want. But if you can see that light was cast into the situation, it reassures you that God is working in that situation, and that ultimately good will come from it.

Case in point. For the past almost 11 months, I have been the co-executor of my mother’s estate, in a situation that will go down in the annals of lawyer history as one of the messiest and unnecessarily prolonged cases. (Our lawyer threatened to quit several times; another refused to take us on when he got even an inkling of the situation.)

My friend and I have several names for this soap opera I’ve been living: The Edge of Hope; Almost—Not Really; and Speeding toward a Standstill (I do the speeding, then certain others involved bring it to a standstill).

I’ve had several people praying for resolution of this. I’m convinced prayer is the only way anything (good) has happened. I’ve even seen God blast through the blocks others put up, to work for good.

A few weeks ago, there was a probate court hearing. I of course prayed that God would shine his light into the courtroom.

Well, he did. He exposed evil (a lie someone told, which I had to reveal by speaking the truth), and ultimately, as I continued to pray this prayer, he pointed the way to the path of peace.

It was not the outcome I had expected or wanted, but he did shine his light.

I regularly ask God to shine his light on my day, and I seek to walk in that light. I call it being Aligned. I listen for the small whispers of guidance.

Just a few days ago, I had an intuitive hit (I believe it was from God) to call a certain person concerning the estate. I had 10 minutes between clients to do so. The person answered (miraculous), and after asking her a question, I realized she was missing a key piece of information that was causing the whole estate closure to be delayed. I clarified what had happened at the hearing, and in just a few minutes, she reported back via email that she would expedite what needed to be done for the closing. Just this morning I got word that the closing will happen next week.

The moment I had been awaiting for almost 11 months finally happened . . . only because of prayer.

Living Aligned(TM) means living in the Light. It means praying this prayer as a way of life. It means being receptive to the “small, still voice” inside, which I believe is your human spirit, aligned with God’s Spirit, sensing God’s guidance.

CC BY by barryskeates

And when your spirit is aligned with God’s Spirit, his life flows through your spirit to body and soul, and brings healing, peace, and right relationships with God, self and others.

It’s fun, exciting, and peaceful to live this way. I can’t claim I’m doing it perfectly, but I am practicing it.

I invite you to start praying that God will shine his light into your world, especially into situations that feel dark or heavy. Light is not only the opposite of darkness, it is also the opposite of “heavy.”

Let me know what miracles follow! Comment below and encourage others.

And if you would like personalized help with living more Aligned, check out my coaching programs at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

Sep
11

A Way to Clarity and Peace

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As I write this, it is the 2oth anniversary of the day the United States was attacked by the militant terrorist group al- Quaeda on 9/11/2001.  Aside from the heaviness of that remembrance, there are plenty of concerning things going on in my country, the U.S., and all around the world.
 
If you feel this heaviness and have not healed the memories  triggered for you by what’s in the news these days, I encourage you to take a little more time to connect with your feelings, memories, and any unhealthy beliefs formed from those memories.
 
Like me, you probably are experiencing personal challenges of your own on top of all that’s going on in the world.
 
But you know what? Somehow, though I’ve been going through a very intense time on all levels, I’ve had an amazing measure of actual peace and clarity.
 
I think maybe the peace comes from the clarity.
 
I use a tool I share with my Momentum clients, where you focus first on what you don’t want to see happen and don’t want to  feel, and then what you do want to see happen and to feel. You can add, if applicable, how you want others to feel.
 
As you work through this process, you pull into focus what you can do and what is beyond your control.
 
What you can do becomes your Clear Next Step.
 
What is beyond your control, you release to God’s care.
 
 
A final step might be to look for instances in your life when you successfully got through a similar situation, or you felt God met you in a personal way. Give gratitude for that.
 
You can also use this process as a precursor to your Healing Code work. Explore what memories might be triggered for you around this issue, and use The Healing Codes to heal those. Use your gratitude memory as your positive focus while doing your Healing Code.
 
That’s what I’ve been doing to deal with my intense times. I invite you to try it, too.
 
And if you need a custom Healing Code for your issue, or want to make an even greater commitment to your healing through the Healing Momentum or Healing Intensive programs, check out HealingCodesCoaching.com.

 

This week we lost power for almost 2 days.

CC BY-NC by sjrankin

The outside temperature was 90°F/33°C, with a dew point of 73°F. (I have learned that the dew point is a better indicator of humidity than “relative humidity,” and anything over 60°F is uncomfortable. I haven’t seen a dew point much higher than 73°F here, so this was nearly unbearable.)

On top of that, the night before the power loss, our kitchen faucet handle was about to break off. I called at least eight potential handymen (before we lost power). Only two got back to me. One said he could come the next day to fix it at 5pm, but then texted me at that time saying he couldn’t make it after all. At 5pm the faucet handle broke off completely. Two and a half hours later, with a lot of dishes to be washed from dinner, the power went out.

It reminded me of the children’s story I used to read to my kids: Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst.

For us, it was two days.

I can’t honestly say it was all terrible, horrible, or no good, though. Very bad, yes. But here’s how God helped me, and what I discovered about alignment, intuition and, surprisingly, electricity and sleep.

Hunting for the Graces

Because of what I had learned about how gratitude fosters resilience, I kept looking for things to be grateful for.

First: the storms that knocked down trees and power lines did not dump a lot of rain. With the power out, the sump pump would not have worked. Had it rained heavily, the basement could have flooded. That potential disaster did not happen, despite the storms that hit both nights our power was out.

Second: A handyman came that first morning after we went dark. He installed the new faucet my husband bought the night before. He did it in the dark kitchen, with a flashlight (bless his heart!). He left his phone and a screwdriver behind because it was so dark he couldn’t see that he’d set it down. Soon enough, we had a functional kitchen, which lessened the stress a little.

Third: A neighbor said we could put our frozen food in his freezer.

Fourth: We have a gas stove, so I could cook.

Intuition

As soon as we lost power, I went up to shut down the computer correctly. I have a BackUp Universal Power Source that is a surge protector and a battery backup. It allows your computer and peripherals to keep going in a power failure until you can shut it down properly.

Here’s where the intuition part comes in. Read More→

Jun
12

The Nature of Things

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I planted my flowers and plants a few weeks ago, and I’m amazed at how they have grown so quickly.

This was a tiny parsley plant just a few weeks ago.

   As I look at how life busts out all over every spring, I’m struck by this truth:

It’s the nature of things to grow.

When connected to the Source of Life, as nature is, what happens is growth. And as you get more in touch with that Source of Life by healing the heart issues that block this flow of Life, growth is inevitable.

As inevitable and natural as an apple tree producing apples once the blossoms have been pollinated.

However, there’s another thing about “the nature of things.”

That is: it’s the nature of things to fall apart as well.

This is the Second Law of Thermodynamics, one of the fundamental laws of the universe. Everything decays. Disorder always increases.

Without a gardener to tend the weeds in the garden, enrich the soil, water as needed, the weeds tend to take over. Or the other plants take over, as sadly happened in this garden.

Yes, things grow, but they need to be tended to reach their full potential.

And so, of course, do we. We need to expend energy to restore order, create beauty, and foster growth.

The key to your growth is commitment to “tending your garden.”

Then growth will happen naturally. You can’t force the growth, you need only create the conditions for growth to happen naturally.

Doing Healing Codes regularly, praying often about everything—these two things are the cornerstone of my own healing and growth.

When someone confronts me about how I’ve hurt them, I need to acknowledge that “weed” and pull it out by the roots. This is painful, but when I do, I receive the blessing—and so does the other person. There is now space for new growth to happen.

How well are you “tending to your garden” these days?

Do you want it to look like this:

Or this?

It’s your choice.

And if you’d like some help in “tending your garden,” check out my coaching packages at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

Jun
11

What to Do When Your Day Gets Derailed

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Have you ever had a day like this?

You start out with a plan, and high hopes of getting something important accomplished.

Then you get a notice of some kind. Let’s say it’s a low balance alert from your bank.

You go to fix that, and notice that there is a charge on your account that is way more than it always has been for like, the last 10 years. Like, more than 10x the amount. Of course, it’s an automatic charge.

You go to the vendor in question, to see if there’s any notification or explanation of when or why this suddenly exorbitant charge came about.

What you find: There’s no way to post a support ticket, no clue as to why suddenly this charge was made or was  more than 10x as much.

You open what looks to be a support chat. The bot says they’ll be with you, and the window will remain open for you to keep checking back. (Like, I have all day to keep going back to check.)

You get an email saying, “For the fastest response possible, please do not update this ticket until you hear from one of our advocates.”

The next thing you hear from them is an email saying that you left the chat.

Case closed, apparently.

As you can guess, this happened to me. It reminded me of one of my favorite children’s books.

The incident I described was the first of about 5 things that attempted to derail me from the task I meant to get to first thing in the morning (which was this blog post).

I started to deal with the low balance alert at 10:30am. I finally got back to it at 4:30pm. And by the way, I disputed the charge on my debit card, and stopped automatic payments with that vendor. I don’t want to do business with a company like that.

Seems like modern life is full of such frustrations, doesn’t it? At least, if you have to deal with technology of any kind. (And who doesn’t, nowadays?) Especially, they tell me, when mercury is in retrograde as it is now–whatever that means.

So what do you do when you have a day full of interruptions, frustrations, and technological glitches?

What I did today: I kept re-returning.

I know that seems like a redundant term. But it reminds me that I can come back, again and again and again, to where I want to be.

I can shake off the frustration and refocus on my initial goal. (My Release & Infuse Technique really helps here.)

So that’s what I did. I released “anger, frustration, derailment, lashing out, and giving up. “

I infused “productivity, patience, peace, joy, and focus.”

And I got this written.

If you’d like this tool that allows you to clear negative energy is less than 3 minutes, and re-return to the state of mind you want, just go here. It’s free.

This technique is especially helpful if you’re a Highly Sensitive Person and/or empath who tends to take on other people’s energy.

A client told me yesterday she had one of her headaches come on, and she used the Release & Infuse Technique, and the headache went away right afterward!

Side note: The good that came from this day, which seemed wasted in so many ways, was that I got to write this piece. Perhaps for YOU. I am learning that when I roll with the changes (accept and adapt) and trust God to bring good out of the seemingly bad, I do see good.

The other day my friend told me her whole family was sick with stomach flu or perhaps food poisoning, yet it turned out to be a sweet, peaceful day of being together, despite the yuck.

God can bring good out of any “yuck.” If we re-return to trust and surrender, that is. The Release & Infuse Technique shows you how. My gift to you.

And if you would like personalized help for healing your heart issues, releasing old beliefs and infusing new ones to transform your life, check out my coaching packages at HealingCodesCoaching.com

Q: “What if you don’t have any big ‘issues’ to heal anymore? Can you use The Healing Codes to infuse success and the positive?”

A: Yes! And I highly recommend it.

What you would do is to decide what it is you want to infuse. Then, you amend the prayer to say something like,

“Dear God, please infuse in my spirit, soul, mind and body everything needed to bring [name the thing you want] into my life, and remove any blocks that may get in the way. Thank you for your willingness and ability to bring blessing into my life.”

If blocks become apparent to you, as they sometimes do, then switch the focus of your Healing Code to heal/remove that block. When it seems gone, you can go back to infusing the positive with your Healing Code.

While pointing to the Healing Code positions, focus on instilling that vision in your mind’s eye and your Heart.

If you have a question about healing or The Healing Codes, feel free to send an email to: diane at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

Now we’re a year into the COVID-19 pandemic, and the stress hasn’t really let up, has it?

I was blessed by a friend sending me a link to a Brene Brown podcast of an interview with the authors of Burnout: The Secret of Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Emily and Amelia Nagoski.

It was so helpful to me I want to pass it along. Here’s the link to the podcast.

You will learn how stress lives in your body, and that there is a stress cycle that, if you don’t pass all the way through, will get stuck and cause problems.

The good news, as the authors stress in the interview and the book, is that you can get the stress out of your body, even when you can’t control the stressors in your life.

I found that tremendously comforting.

The first step is always to let yourself feel the emotions—all the way through.

Then, you need to get the stress out of your body. Read More→

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Nov
21

Grief, Grace, Gratitude, and Grit

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My mother left this earth on November 19, 2020. Marie Boos Filakovsky was 88.

There is grief. It’s showing up as lethargy, insomnia, fatigue, and sadness. I am always amazed at how strong the mother-daughter bond is.

Mom and I had a complicated relationship. The product of Childhood Emotional Neglect herself, she passed that on. She married a good man, my father, and lived out the 1950s script of a good Catholic girl, wife, and mother.

Mom and me, Aug. 2017

I never knew who she really was.

Until she was 78.

That’s when I started giving her custom Healing Codes. And I watched her change.

The changes in my mother solidified for me the power of The Healing Codes.

I can still remember the day she asked me how I was doing—and meant it. Before that, our weekly calls were mostly about her. It didn’t feel like she really was interested in me. Until that day.

From then on, she opened her heart more and more. I discovered to my astonishment that she had a tender, sensitive heart. For most of her life, she had hidden it under layers of socialization. Once she said to me, “You are giving me what I should have given you,” i.e. emotional support.

Then she had a stroke. And a second one, in 2017. After that, communication was very difficult. In a way, I lost the mother I’d just found.

A few weeks ago she was put on palliative care, and it was really difficult not to go out there. But with COVID-19, I just couldn’t risk flying out, for her sake and mine. I was told that it was too taxing for her to talk on the phone.

It was so hard, being cut off from her in her last days. Read More→

What is your earliest memory? It may hold the key to the identity you have built for yourself (which perhaps you may want to amend).

My earliest memory is from when I was around 3 years old, and my family was visiting my grandparents. My grandmother asked me kindly, “How are you, Diane?” To which I replied, “My name isn’t Diane. I’m The Lone Ranger!”

I don’t know where that came from. Perhaps when I was hospitalized for the first 6 weeks of my life and operated on for an abdominal obstruction, my little heart came to believe that I had to go it alone in the world. Then, when I watched The Lone Ranger show, that whole “save the world by being different, by fighting for the right thing, by doing/seeing things your own way” took hold.

(I recently watched this program on Youtube. I couldn’t get through more than two.)

Somehow the “Lone Ranger” icon stayed in the culture, and with my subconscious mind for a long time. Growing up, I didn’t have much support for being who I was. I was truly a Lone Ranger, but one who figured out how to get what I need and learn what I need to know. Without any help from anyone (because then, it just wasn’t there).

The approach served me well. Or so I thought.

Until …  It didn’t. Read More→

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