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My mother left this earth on November 19, 2020. Marie Boos Filakovsky was 88.

There is grief. It’s showing up as lethargy, insomnia, fatigue, and sadness. I am always amazed at how strong the mother-daughter bond is.

Mom and I had a complicated relationship. The product of Childhood Emotional Neglect herself, she passed that on. She married a good man, my father, and lived out the 1950s script of a good Catholic girl, wife, and mother.

Mom and me, Aug. 2017

I never knew who she really was.

Until she was 78.

That’s when I started giving her custom Healing Codes. And I watched her change.

The changes in my mother solidified for me the power of The Healing Codes.

I can still remember the day she asked me how I was doing—and meant it. Before that, our weekly calls were mostly about her. It didn’t feel like she really was interested in me. Until that day.

From then on, she opened her heart more and more. I discovered to my astonishment that she had a tender, sensitive heart. For most of her life, she had hidden it under layers of socialization. Once she said to me, “You are giving me what I should have given you,” i.e. emotional support.

Then she had a stroke. And a second one, in 2017. After that, communication was very difficult. In a way, I lost the mother I’d just found.

A few weeks ago she was put on palliative care, and it was really difficult not to go out there. But with COVID-19, I just couldn’t risk flying out, for her sake and mine. I was told that it was too taxing for her to talk on the phone.

It was so hard, being cut off from her in her last days.

Yet I have trained myself to expect Grace in the midst of difficulties, and this week it was there. My sister-in-law, Mary, sensed on Thursday that the end might be near. (Thankfully, Mom was at home still.) Mary called me and I was able to talk to Mom and pray for her. She gave a strong “Amen!” at the end and squeezed Mary’s hand. She also got to talk to my youngest brother, also out of state, in a video call.

And a few hours later, she was gone. But I know where she is, and that provides much comfort. Perhaps when I spoke with her and reminded her where she was going, it encouraged her to let go. I don’t know.

Another Grace: God had led me to a Grief Recovery Specialist a couple of months ago (more on that soon), and I did grief recovery work concerning my relationship with my mother. (Yes, you can do it on any relationship, whether the person is alive or not.) The goal of this work is coming to a sense of completion concerning the relationship. I was definitely felt more complete and able to say good-bye as of result of this work.

Other Graces were there this week, totally unexpected, that I know came from God because they began to build relationships that had been strained. God is in the relationship-building business!

The support of my friends also was a Grace. Grace in the midst of Grief.

Which leads to Gratitude. Gratitude does so much to temper Grief, as well as a host of other difficult feelings. Grace and Gratitude balance the scales, even tipping them to the positive.

Grace and Gratitude also lay the foundation for something else: Grit. By Grit I mean the capacity to Stay.With.It.No.Matter.What.

So here we all are, nine months into a global pandemic which seems to be getting worse in many areas. I doubt there’s anyone who isn’t experiencing Grief over one kind of loss or another.

The only way I know to get through is to look for the Graces, and give Gratitude. Then, you grab ahold of Grit.

As I write this, we are about to celebrate Thanksgiving in the U.S. It will be different this year for many of us. I await my adult children’s COVID test results before daring to invite a couple of friends to join us. So much is uncertain as we all look ahead.

It is Grace, Gratitude and Grit that will get us through.

I encourage you to look for the Graces that I’m sure have been there this past year. Noticing the Grace produces that shift in perspective that is a miracle.

Express Gratitude—to God, to others, to yourself. Not only this Thanksgiving holiday, but often, if not daily. (This is why I keep a Gifts Journal.)

And then, embrace Grit. We will need it.

Grit is itself a Grace. And so the cycle continues. . . .

If you feel you need some support from someone who cares and can help you with grief or another other issue, check out my packages at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

 

What is your earliest memory? It may hold the key to the identity you have built for yourself (which perhaps you may want to amend).

My earliest memory is from when I was around 3 years old, and my family was visiting my grandparents. My grandmother asked me kindly, “How are you, Diane?” To which I replied, “My name isn’t Diane. I’m The Lone Ranger!”

I don’t know where that came from. Perhaps when I was hospitalized for the first 6 weeks of my life and operated on for an abdominal obstruction, my little heart came to believe that I had to go it alone in the world. Then, when I watched The Lone Ranger show, that whole “save the world by being different, by fighting for the right thing, by doing/seeing things your own way” took hold.

(I recently watched this program on Youtube. I couldn’t get through more than two.)

Somehow the “Lone Ranger” icon stayed in the culture, and with my subconscious mind for a long time. Growing up, I didn’t have much support for being who I was. I was truly a Lone Ranger, but one who figured out how to get what I need and learn what I need to know. Without any help from anyone (because then, it just wasn’t there).

The approach served me well. Or so I thought.

Until …  It didn’t.

When you go through multiple crises one right after another, you will either fold under it or you will realize being a Lone Ranger, in terms of going it alone, does not work. You reach out for help–from God, and from other people.

Some of us learned as children that if you reach out, help will not be there. Yet if we have the courage as adults to question that belief, and to choose a different way, we can find that the support is there.

Even the Lone Ranger had Tonto.

In the past two weeks, I’ve been hit with a number of big, personal challenges from a number of directions–which only got worse. When I texted my friend that I had just finished a crying jag in the bathroom, she empathized and listed in a text all the things going on for me personally, and added, “Oh, did I mention the mental drain of politics and a pandemic? That you aren’t curled up in bed is a BIG win.”’

I tell you about such things not to make you feel sorry for me, but to let you know that if you’re going through a tough time yourself (and who isn’t these days?), you’re not alone. There are ways to find strength. I will share some of mine.

At the end of last week, right in the midst of the personal challenges, I attended a most amazing (virtual) retreat time that clarified my vision as to the legacy I’m called to leave, what I have to let go of to fulfill that, and what kinds of support God has graciously provided along the way.

My friend who validated my experience and pointed out the “big win” was one huge support. A couple of other close friends said pretty much the same thing. What a wonderful thing to have friends who can validate your feelings and spur you on!

It’s a strange thing about support. Whereas not too long ago I felt alone and overwhelmed, totally unsupported, now I am aware of so much support. What made the change? Was it me? Has that support been there all along?

I believe it’s mostly me. The changes inside me, the healing that has occurred, opened me up to both asking for and receiving support. I just hadn’t looked for it, or been open to receiving it. I was fully entrenched in what I’ve heard called Capable Woman Syndrome.

Also, as I healed (over lots of time), I slowly attracted more people who knew how to be supportive. I was no longer willing to put up with relationships that were exploitative, manipulative, or just plain unhealthy.

By being willing to be vulnerable and share what’s really going on with me with trustworthy friends, I got different perspectives on my situations. I reached out to friends and family, to my attorney, to a couple of therapists, my grief recovery specialist, and support groups. Each gave me a perspective on what was going on. They helped me face some harsh realities, but also pointed out some of the things they saw in me that encouraged me that I can get through all this.

Then, taking all their input through the filter of prayer, I became clearer on both what was true and what I need to do and–just as important–not do. Sometimes you have to let go to let in. I was able to see the bright spots of grace in the darkness (and there were several).

I was able to get curious about what good might come out of some very bad situations, trusting that indeed, God is able to bring good out of anything. (Remember, curiosity runs on the same brain circuits as fear/anxiety, so you can’t feel curiosity and fear at the same time.)

In fact, in my most recent Immanuel Prayer session, I got the message, “In curiosity and trust is peace.”

Curiosity, trust—and support. Oh what a difference these can make!

If you feel you need some support from someone who cares and can help you with the transformation you seek, check out my packages at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

 

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Nobody wants to tell you this.

But I think you can handle the truth. I love you too much to not tell you this.

The healing journey is a bumpy road, full of ups and downs, setbacks and detours.

In your heart, you know this already. But, when you’re desperate for healing, you will grasp at anything that offers the instant cure.

It doesn’t exist.

In all my 13 years of doing The Healing Codes, I can count ONE experience of an instant healing.

It was pretty dramatic, I admit. I had a horrible head cold, and was miserable for several days. At the peak of the miserable symptoms, I was doing a Healing Code addressing poor boundaries. Literally in the middle of doing that Healing Code, all my symptoms vanished suddenly and completely.

It was astonishing, but on one level it made sense. The immune system is all about boundaries: the body says, “This is mine, this is not mine.” I was working on a boundary issue. Apparently that Healing Code healed that particular memory I was working on, and apparently that memory was the source of my succumbing to that particular virus.

That experience, however, was not the norm. Read More→

The Healing Codes produce miracles—all the time.

Let me hasten to define miracles, lest you get the wrong impression.

I’m referring to the idea that a miracle is a shift in perspective that can produce transformation, much as a caterpillar is transformed to a butterfly.

If you believe that God‘s perspective is rarely the same as yours, and his perspective is wider, more creative and truer than yours, wouldn’t it make sense that you would want it? And that God would want to give it to you? (If you believe God is love and truth, that is.) Read More→

A week ago I learned something fascinating about the brain, and have been experimenting with the practical aspects of it ever since.

The results are amazing.

(If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know I’m an inveterate learner, and I love to pass on to you what I’m learning in a way that will enhance your life and your healing somehow.)

What I learned, from Dr. Jim Wilder, a neuroscientist: Fear and curiosity run on the same brain circuit.

So what, you say?

So what is this: Since these two emotions run on the same brain circuit, you cannot experience fear/anxiety and curiosity at the same time.

Soooo, when you feel fearful/have a fearful thought, if you catch yourself and switch to curiosity—poof, the fear is gone!

I have been trying this myself. There is a certain ongoing situation in my life that triggers feeling threatened and fearful. I have actually been praying about how to quit feeling fearful. This is my answer.

Now when the trigger happens, instead of the usual, “What does this mean? What will this require of me? How can I cope with that too?” . . .

I switch to: “I wonder what prompted that person to say/do/think that? I wonder why it triggers me so much?” (This “why does it trigger me so?” is a question you can ask yourself to find out what underlying memories might be making the current situation worse. Then, of course, you address those memories with a Healing Code. In this situation,I actually know why I get triggered, and have worked on healing that. But the ongoing situation still has to be dealt with, and asking the first question helps that.)

Another way to engage in curiosity is to use the “I wonder what would happen if …?” formula.

“I wonder what would happen if instead of defending myself, I apologized?”

“I wonder what would happen if I prayed for that person/situation?”

“I wonder what would happen if I did (or said) nothing this time?”

“I wonder what would happen if I reacted in the exact opposite way as I feel like reacting?”

(I wonder what will happen if YOU try some of these things. Let me know!)

Switching to curiosity really does work. Not only does it take you out of the fear vibration, but it moves you into a much higher vibration of possibility, discovery, even joy. There is a great expansiveness and openness about curiosity.

I am finding new solutions to problems when I switch from fear/overwhelm/anxiety to curiosity. It’s been fun, amazing, and—I highly recommend it!

Try it, and let me know what happens by adding a comment. Sharing our stories encourages others and also opens up all of us to new possibilities.

And if you would like personalized help with healing the blocks to curiosity and expansiveness, I’m just a few clicks away at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

The 3 C’s of Healing

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Ever since I embarked on this healing journey, for myself and others, I have been fascinated, perhaps even obsessed, with what makes people heal (and, conversely, what prevents healing).

Since many of my clients are making great progress, I have been studying what they are doing. Are there any key ingredients to their healing that caused major transformation in just a few short weeks?

Turns out there are. I have boiled it down to 3 C’s: Courage, Compassion, and Commitment. Read More→

Why Healing Your Heart Matters

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You don’t need me to tell you that we live in very troubling times. It’s all around us, and we can’t escape it. Political polarization, uncertainty, job loss, the pandemic, social media nastiness (which I avoid totally), natural disasters, racial injustice, violence. Even if you limit your news intake, as I do, you still can’t avoid the negative energy all around.

For some of us, especially if we have the trait of High Sensitivity, the energy is palpable; we may even feel it physically.

Authors Dr. Lise Van Susteren and Stacey Colino wrote a book about it, calling it Emotional Inflammation. It’s a state “not unlike post-traumatic stress disorder, but one that stems from simply living in today’s tumultuous world.”

Some symptoms include sleep problems, hyperactivity, persistent grief, or inescapable worry about the future.

In such a climate as ours now, we need to be especially intentional about our own healing. Because healing the heart matters. Read More→

In my last blog post, I wrote about how we lost Joey, our cat of 16 years. And how I had my eye on a new cat, Buddy. The writeup said he was ready to save a new human with his unconditional love.”

I did end up learning lessons from Buddy the cat. Not about love, but about the Heart, grief, and the power of the Halo.

It all started when the foster mom for Buddy called on Monday to offer to bring the cat to my house. I thought, “Why not?” But I didn’t really pray about it or check in with my Heart.

Well, the foster mom for Buddy called on Monday to offer to bring the cat to my house. I thought, “Why not?” But I didn’t really pray about it or check in with my Heart.

On Tuesday foster mom Rita brought Buddy by. He was very shy, but we finally coaxed him out of his hiding place. He rubbed up against our legs and allowed us to pet him. Read More→

This week we had to face that fact that our beloved big black cat, Joey, the last of our pets, was too sick to treat, and had to put him down.

This is the first time in 20 years I have been petless, and I can hardly stand it. So I’ve been looking at descriptions of adoptable cats in local animal shelters.

This description struck of one particular cat struck me, and I’ll tell you why after you read it:

“Buddy is a 4 year old Superhero that possess abilities beyond those of ordinary cats. He can use his purr-powers to help your home become a better place. He wears his black & white logo with pride. He has other powers too, which include winning every race to the food bowl, out weighing most of his lap-cat competitors at 17.5 lbs, and able to make you love him in a single leap of faith! Buddy recently experienced a major life change when his beloved human was transferred to a senior home. Because he was so loved and cared for, he has bounced back like Superheroes do, and is ready to save a new human with his unconditional love.”

That last line struck me: “Because he was so loved and cared for, he has bounced back. . . .”

That is what love does, for humans and animals: it makes us resilient, even in the face of loss. I feel drawn to Buddy; maybe he’ll be our next cat? Already he’s given me a lesson in resilience.

Coaching question: How can you draw on the love you have received in your most important positive relationships to help you “bounce back,” especially during these exceptional times? How can you offer love to another to help them become more resilient?

If you would like help healing your heart issues and opening up to love and be loved, check out my coaching at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

Healing from “Not Enough”

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When I wrote last December about “settling into the energy of enough,” I had no idea it would be such a journey.

I thought it would be a simple process of figuring out what “enough” was, via reading a bit about Minimalism, clear some space physically, mentally, and emotionally. I thought it would be mostly about gratitude. I did not think it would not be a big deal.

After all, haven’t I been doing healing work every single day since 2007?

Well, it’s turned into quite an undertaking. Turns out, “settling into the energy of Enough” is a lot more involved than I thought.

First of all, there’s the becoming aware of how pervasive and deep “not enough” is for me. Who knew?

I began to realize that it goes all the way back to childhood (as most things seem to do—sigh). Because I grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect and was so different from my family (highly sensitive),  “not good enough” became a big part of me. Though I excelled at school, the family was indifferent to it. My father often said, “I wish my boys had your brains.” I took that to mean they were wasted on a girl. All that mattered for girls, in the culture I grew up in, was that they be pretty and please others, especially men.

Also, there was “not enough” of other things in the family. Attention, love, interest, money. As an adult, trying to grasp this suddenly huge issue of “enough,” I realize I continued the process by denying myself so many things that are really “me,” in favor of doing “what’s expected” (which was a big value in my family).

Religion also plays a role in this “not enough.” Distorted or incomplete religious teachings can lead you to feel you’re not good enough for God unless you do X, Y, or Z.  Even if you do grasp the meaning of grace, which is what true spirituality is all about, there’s often the subtle pressure in churches to “serve.” This is fine, but when there’s the sense that you can never really serve enough, the needs are so great and you’re being selfish to think of your own needs when there are so many people worse off than you who need what you have—then, at least for me—it becomes very toxic.

It’s not just religious communities who can send that message, either. Work environments can also foster this “not enough” mindset. “You won’t be successful if you don’t push harder, put in more hours than other people.”

You’re not enough. You don’t do enough. You don’t know enough. There is not enough. These messages are everywhere, aren’t they? Advertising is based on it.

Just becoming aware of how “not enough” affects you is the first step. Bring this unhealthy belief and the memories behind it to your Healing Code work! Using the Truth Focus Statement, I am enough, I do enough, I know enough, I have enough, there is enough has been quite a help. As I have worked with this, oh the freedom I’m experiencing!

If “not enough” is an issue for you, I would love to come alongside you on your healing journey and help you find the freedom to be you as well. Check out my coaching at HealingCodesCoaching.com.

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