Archive for love styles quiz
Pivotal Memories
Posted by: | CommentsPeople often ask me what kinds of memories to start with to get the fastest, deepest healing.
I always look for the “fractal memories”–those memories in which the core beliefs/feelings will repeat themselves and branch out to affect your life in all kinds of ways afterward. Heal these, and the ripple effects of healing begin effortlessly to penetrate into all the areas of life affected by that memory.
In another post I talked about foundational memories. They are one kind of important fractal memory.
Another kind of fractal memory is what I call a pivotal memory. This would be a memory, usually conscious, that changed the course of your life. Something happened and you came to believe something about yourself that forever after influenced your life. Such memories can form your identity–for better or worse.
On the “better side,” pivotal memories can be quite positive. One important pivotal memory that shaped my entire future happened in college, when I fell in love with publishing. I was always a bibliophile and a writer, and the field fascinated me, so I decided I would major in English, but not teach. I would make a career in publishing.
Everyone told me, “It’s practically impossible to break into publishing.” Especially since I didn’t know anyone, even by the time I was a senior in college. Also, this was at a time when people with PhDs in English were driving taxi cabs. Read More→
A Whole New Layer of Healing
Posted by: | CommentsEvery area of my life got better: health, relationships, and career.
However, since taking a marriage class on How We Love, and discovering the work of Dr. Jonice Webb on Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), I’m seeing that there is a whole new layer of healing possible. There is a depth and breadth of emotional experience that I had not realized was possible.- How do you feel?
- What do you want?
- What do you need?
- Why are you angry, or sad, or hurt?
I didn’t. Actually can’t remember one single time when any of those questions were asked. I do remember a few times when I had experienced a trauma, and it was completely ignored. In fact, in one instance, my mother was concerned more about what my father would do when he found out what happened to me, than what I was feeling from the trauma.
Now that I’ve become aware of CEN, I can do something about it. And I’d like to make you aware of what you may also have missed, but just couldn’t put your finger on.
And something more: check in with yourself and your emotions periodically through the day. Take the Love Styles quiz and find out what injured relational pattern you developed from your past experiences. Just start noticing, and healing what you notice.How Feeling Bad Can Set You Free
Posted by: | CommentsDo you struggle in your relationships, especially close relationships?
The key to why lies in your childhood, in how you learned to love in your family. You learned patterns of relating that became “imprinted” upon you, including how to deal (or not deal) with feelings and needs.
An excellent book that explains all this is How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. My husband and I took a marriage class based on the book.
The authors have a free Love Styles quiz that tells you how you learned to love in your family. The patterns that you experienced will, without any kind of intervention, determine that “core pattern” of how you will relate in close relationships.
I recommend you take the Love Styles quiz, and find out what yours is. If you are part of the 75% of the population who did not learn a secure attachment style, you will be either an Avoider, a Pleaser, a Vacillator, a Victim, or a Controller–or any combination thereof! Read More→
