Two Fireplaces

A wise therapist shared an analogy with me that has helped me a lot.

Because of the Childhood Emotional Neglect I grew up with, along with an infant medical trauma, I had learned quite early on to wall off my feelings. I felt the Lord had told me once, “You have to feel it so we can heal it.”

But honestly, I didn’t quite know how to feel all those suppressed feelings without getting stuck in them.

The therapist clarified the process with a simple analogy.

Picture two fireplaces.

In Fireplace #1, you put some kindling in, maybe a log. You light it, and close the fireplace door. Then you just sit with it. The fire burns, and eventually goes out. (You let the feeling wash over you, and eventually it ebbs away. That’s how feelings work—if you allow yourself to just feel them.)

Fireplace #2 starts with the same process: kindling, log, start the fire, shut the door. But this time, you keep opening the door to put on a new log. Thus the fire keeps on burning.

And what is the “log” you’re keeping the fire burning with? Your beliefs! What you have made the incident to mean.

When you start to feel the feelings, you go into the “story,” usually punctuated by “never” and/or “always” or that kind of sentiment.

Maybe there’s a “therefore’ in there, too.

As in, when a memory comes up where you did not feel loved, you not only feel the sadness of that, but you start to think, “They never loved me. They always ignored my feelings. Therefore I must be unlovable. I have to prove my worth.” Etc.

This is what you can use a Healing Code for: the beliefs that are fueling the fire of negative feelings and keeping you stuck in them.

Another thing that’s helping me work through some early traumas is the practice of “that was then, this is now,” or holding “both/and.” Growing up, nobody seemed to care about my needs. You sit with that for a while, feel the sadness and loneliness of it. But now, I have a husband and children who love me. Now I have friends. Life is good NOW.

Living fully in the present is my ongoing goal. I used to always try to plan and envision the near future; it was a strategy that served me well as a child, but now it’s robbing my joy. It’s true that all we really have is the present. The past is gone, and the future is not yet.

For me, I entrust the future into God’s hands, as He knows it and goes before me into it: “The Lord himself goes before you, and is with you. He will never leave you or forsake you. Do not be discouraged, do not be afraid.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)